An Online Relationship Advice & Education Hub
Advice, tips, tricks and tools from relationship experts and a couples and family therapist, to help you grow great relationships
Relationship Advice From A Couples Therapist
Welcome to My People Patterns!
I'm Oliver, and I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles, and I love helping people grow great relationships. I've been working with couples, parents and families for nearly a decade and am lucky enough to be a Clinical Director, Clinical Supervisor, and occasionally a Professor of Clinical Psychology.
Relationships need a number of factors to grow from dating to a strong and satisfying connection, and as we are not taught any of the skills and tools necessary in school, they can be quite complicated for many people. As rewarding a relationship is, it can also bring about a number of challenges for couples. But knowing what it takes to make it work or getting the right relationship advice can help you experience the joys of being with someone you want to grow old with.
On this page, you'll find a treasure trove of articles on healthy relationships, it doesn't matter whether you're just dating or in an LTR. There are quizzes, exercises, activities, couples therapy worksheets, and quotes that will help you make your journey toward a fulfilling life with healthier and happier relationships.
Quick links to our most popular subjects:
Quick links for therapists and clinicians:
Relationship Psychology: The Fundamentals
To really understand the psychology of relationships and how they work, all the best relationship experts will tell you it's sometimes helpful to start at the beginning and get to grips with the basic concepts that we take for granted. I use both of these frameworks often when I'm working with couples to help them get an overview of where there relationship is, and a feel for what it might be missing. These two ideas definitely get the thoughts churning when I share them, making them a great place to start if you're looking for relationship advice.
Do You Know The Triangle Of Love?
It doesn't matter if you're single or married; these are the essential components of a relationship that can help you understand more about all your relationships.
The Five Stages Of A Relationship
The five stages of a relationship help us understand what's missing in our relationship, if it feels off, or if it's struggling.
Relationship Advice On Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the cozy campfire at the heart of your relationship, something that provides warmth, light, and a sense of deep connection. Just like sharing stories around a flickering flame, emotional intimacy involves opening up to your partner about your innermost thoughts, feelings, and dreams and relationship experts are the campfire leaders to guide you.
Nurturing emotional intimacy even if you're just starting dating someone, is like tending to the campfire - it requires regular attention and care to make it through to the day. Showing empathy for each other, practicing active listening, and expressing appreciation are all ways to add fuel to the flames. Sharing new experiences, having meaningful conversations, and always making time for each other help keep the fire burning bright. Without emotional intimacy, a relationship doesn't move forward in a healthy direction, they can feel cold and distant, like a campfire that's been neglected. But by prioritizing this deep bond and consistently showing up for each other with love and understanding, you and your partner can bask in the comforting glow of a truly connected relationship.
The #1 Tool For Emotional Intimacy
The most solid piece of relationship advice I can give anyone is to develop your emotional literacy. The Feelings Wheel is one of those little things that is vital for this, just like a compass for navigating the complex world of emotions. Just as a compass helps you find your way through unfamiliar terrain, the Feelings Wheel guides you in identifying and expressing your feelings. When you can say how you feel, you begin to feel closer to people. This simple tool helps you pinpoint exactly what you're experiencing, from the broad categories of emotion in the center to the more specific feelings on the outer rings. By using the Feelings Wheel regularly, like every day(!), you develop a richer emotional vocabulary, allowing you to communicate your inner world to your partner with greater clarity and precision. This opens the door to deeper understanding, empathy, and connection - the building blocks of true intimacy and a happy relationship.
The Relationship Check In Template
A weekly relationship check-in is a structured time for couples to assess the health of their relationship, discuss their feelings, and address any issues that may have arisen.
This practice involves setting aside much needed regular, dedicated time to communicate with you loved on in openly and honestly about various aspects of the relationship, including what is working well and what needs improvement. Regular check-ins provide a platform for practicing active listening and expressing needs openly, which enhances overall communication skills.
Much more than this, having a set time to discuss the relationship with each other creates a sense of safety and security, reassuring both partners that their concerns will be heard and addressed.
The Layers Of Emotional Intimacy
As humans, we have the capacity for verbal communication and yet it seem very challenging for most of us to use our words to express our feelings, wants, and needs. More often than not, we resort to behaviors to communicate these aspects of our self, especially in our intimate relationships.
This can lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings, hindering the development of deep emotional connections. In this video and blog post, I will try and highlight the importance and benefit of Emotional Communication and a great exercise and activity you can do with your partner to help develop emotional intimacy.
The relationship advice in this post guides you through the layers of emotional communication starting with surface levels of interaction and going deeper into feelings towards others
To download the worksheet and activity.
More of our blogs and videos that might be worth checking out
Navigating Conflict: Strategies for Couples
Navigating conflict is like sailing through choppy waters on a stormy day - it takes skill, teamwork and a solid game plan. Just like a ship's crew works together to steer through a storm, couples can use proven strategies to turn the rough seas of disagreement into smoother sailing.
The key is to think of conflict as a chance to connect and understand each other better, not a battle to be won. It helps to recognize your "triggers" - those hot-button issues that can make you lose your cool - and have a plan for staying calm. Listening openly to your partner, with no judgment, is like shining a beacon of light through the fog. And when expressing yourself, using "I feel" statements keeps things focused on finding solutions together, instead of assigning blame. If tempers flare, don't be afraid to drop anchor and take a break. With patience and practice, you and your first mate can weather any relationship squall, and emerge even stronger than before.
Some of Our Popular Posts On Conflict
Our best relationship advice on conflict and how to manage it.
Why Our Partners Drive Make Us So Angry
Entering a partnership often involves bringing a set of expectations shaped by past experiences, dreams, and societal influences. These expectations about how a partner should behave, communicate, or show love can lead to conflicts if not met, resulting in disappointment, resentment, and anger. The issue arises not from having expectations but from failing to communicate them. Assuming a partner should intuitively know our needs sets the relationship up for misunderstandings and feelings of being unappreciated.
Over time, unmet expectations can escalate into significant conflicts that break trust. To foster a happy relationship, it is crucial to communicate expectations openly and take responsibility for holding partners to unspoken standards.
Understanding Anger in Relationships
Understanding how anger works in both individuals and couples is helpful to gain insight into the underlying emotions that fuel frustrations and conflict. This tool helps us recognize that anger is often a secondary emotion.
This self-awareness provides an opportunity to address the root causes of anger and engage in more productive and compassionate communication.
It helps individuals express their needs and concerns more effectively, while also fostering empathy and understanding in relationships.By addressing the underlying emotions, individuals can work towards resolving conflicts more constructively and nurturing healthier and more connected relationships.
Your Relationship Conflict Style
In every relationship, from budding romances to decades-long partnerships, conflicts between couples are inevitable. But have you ever stopped to think about how you approach these disagreements?
Just as we have unique personalities, we also have distinct conflict styles that shape how we navigate disputes and fights. Understanding these styles isn't just about self-awareness; it's a crucial step towards healthier, more constructive communication with our loved ones.
Access the quiz below and we'll delve into the significance of recognizing and understanding relationship conflict styles and how they transform the way we connect with those around us.
Check our some of the relationship advice on conflict I give out in our YouTube videos here:
- The Five Types Of Conflict You Need To Know (& What To Do With Each Of Them)
- Break The Cycle: Patterns In Relationship Conflict -
- The Conflict Compass- all my relationship advice about conflict in one place
Effective Communication in Relationships
Effective communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. It's like a bridge that connects two people, allowing them to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly. Just as a bridge needs sturdy materials to stand strong, healthy communication requires active listening, empathy, and clear expression to be used every day.
When couples take turns sharing and listening with no judgment, they create a safe space for vulnerability and understanding to grow. This means using "I" statements to express your own emotions, rather than accusations that put your partner on the defensive. It also means listening to understand, not just to respond, and checking that you've really grasped what your partner is saying. With practice and patience, couples can build a communication bridge that weathers any storm and keeps them connected through life's ups and downs
Using "I" Statements in Relationships
Using "I" statements and direct communication is a powerful approach to fostering healthier and more effective interactions in relationships. "I" statements help express feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing the other person, thereby reducing defensiveness and promoting understanding.
This method encourages accountability and self-awareness, allowing both parties to address issues constructively. Direct communication further enhances this by ensuring that messages are clear and straightforward, minimizing the risk of misunderstandings. By combining "I" statements with direct communication, couples can create an environment of mutual respect and open dialogue, paving the way for resolving conflicts and strengthening their connection.
Active Listening - The Power Skill You Need.
Active listening is a crucial component of good communication and is essential for building a strong, healthy relationship. Unlike simply hearing, active listening involves fully engaging with your partner and giving them your undivided attention. This means not just listening to their words but also understanding the emotions and feelings behind them.
Many couples find that practicing active listening on a regular basis helps them avoid misunderstandings and reduces the chances of feeling neglected or misunderstood. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader, so don’t expect them to guess what you are feeling or thinking.
By actively listening, you show respect and validate your partner’s experiences and emotions, which strengthens your bond over the long haul.
Relationship Communication Style Quiz
Do you ever wonder why communication with your partner, boss, or friends sometimes feels effortless while, at other times, it’s a struggle? What if understanding a simple framework could transform your relationships?
This concern whether your relationship is compatible is not funny - so we're here to coach you through this test. Welcome to "The Ultimate Compatibility Test: The 4 Communication Styles in Relationships,"
We've identified four basic communication styles and explain how it impacts your relationships in different ways. Discover whether you’re a lively Panda, an assertive Lion, a nurturing but passive Deer, or a thoughtful Owl. With engaging examples and practical advice, Oliver helps you recognize your own tendencies and those of the people around you.
More Reading
More of our blogs and videos that might be worth checking out
Building or Rebuilding Trust In A Romantic Relationship.
Building trust in relationships requires consistent effort and transparency from both partners. A healthy relationship thrives when they feel loved and when there is honest communication, reliability, and openness. To avoid unrealistic expectations, it's important to set realistic expectations from the start. Talking openly about thoughts and feelings, listening actively, and approaching difficult conversations with empathy help create a strong foundation for trust.
Keeping promises, being dependable, and following through on commitments are essential actions that reinforce trust. In moments of conflict or hurt, patience and understanding are crucial for rebuilding trust. Partners must be willing to apologize, forgive, and work through issues together.
Establishing and respecting healthy boundaries ensures each person's individuality is honored, which strengthens the bond. Physical intimacy also plays a key role in maintaining trust and connection. Recognizing that no partner is a mind reader, and that good communication is necessary for a happy marriage or any relationship today, is vital.
Whether you're in a new relationship or navigating the ups and downs of a long-term partnership, treating each other with the same respect and consideration you expect for yourself—the Golden Rule—will help your partner feel valued and secure. With dedication and mutual support, couples can cultivate a resilient trust that endures challenges and deepens over time, leading to a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Understanding Trust in Relationships
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, built through consistent actions and good communication.
Many couples realize that talking openly about their feelings on a regular basis is going to help build trust. Trust allows both partners to feel secure, fostering a deeper connection that stands the test of time.
Emotional Security in a Relationship
Emotional security arises from trust, enabling partners to be their true selves without fear of judgment.
A healthy marriage relies on this security to nurture intimacy and mutual respect. Trust creates a safe space where partners can talk about their vulnerabilities, essential for both emotional and physical closeness.
Relationship Advice on Trust and Intimacy
Good communication is key to building trust and intimacy, so talk openly about your thoughts and feelings.
Remember, even in an adult relationship, your partner is not a mind reader, so don’t expect them to guess what’s on your mind. Establish and respect boundaries to honor each other's individuality and strengthen your bond for the long haul.
More Reading
More of our blogs and videos that might be worth checking out
- Relationship Check In Questions
- 20 Questions For Emotional Intimacy
- Grab a copy of our Feelings Wheel
Tips on Maintaining Romance and Intimacy
Keeping the spark of romance alive in a long-term relationship is like tending to a cozy hearth fire on a cold winter day. Just as a fire needs regular attention, a romantic connection requires consistent effort and nurturing to maintain its warmth and stop it fading into the past.
Keeping the spark of romance alive in a long-term relationship is like tending to a cozy hearth fire. Just as a fire needs regular attention, a romantic connection requires consistent effort and nurturing to maintain its warmth. Small gestures of affection, like holding hands, sharing a kiss, or expressing appreciation, are the kindling that gets the embers past smoking into smoldering flames. Making time for date nights like you did in the past, trying new activities together, and breaking out of routine are the gusts of fresh air that fan the flames of passion. Open communication and vulnerability are the deep logs of trust that provide a steady, enduring heat, embodying commitment.
More Reading/span>
More of our blogs and videos that might be worth checking out
- Relationship Check In Questions
- 20 Questions For Emotional Intimacy
- Grab a copy of our Feelings Wheel
Relationship Tips for Long Distance Romance
Navigating a long-distance relationship or dating someone far away can be challenging but never impossible.It's manageable with the right care and attention. Staying connected requires regular communication through phone calls, video chats, or thoughtful texts and letters. Sharing daily experiences, hopes, and vulnerabilities keeps the bond strong, even when you're miles apart.
While distance can be daunting, it's an opportunity for growth, both individually and as a couple. Nurturing your friends for support, getting more involved in hobbies, and goals allows you to bring your best selves to the relationship. Planning visits, setting relationship milestones, and envisioning a shared future are essential for keeping your love thriving, no matter the distance.
With patience, trust, and a commitment to weathering the separation together, your long-distance relationship can become strong and resilient, making your time together even more rewarding.
Things To Do In A Long-Distance Relationship
Some of the top relationship experts weigh in on things to do in a long distance relationship to keep the love candle burning strong. Some of the information in this article comes from research from esteemed psychotherapy journals and publications, and I try make it user-friendly and simple to understand.
Coming Soon.
Relationship Advice on Toxic Behaviors & Red Flags
Spotting relationship problems and being able to tell what the red flags are in behaviores, is like noticing storm clouds on the horizon - they warn you of potential danger ahead and some of them are a deal breaker to me. Just as dark clouds and rumbling thunder signal a coming tempest, certain behaviors and attitudes means your relationship has something that requires paying attention to.
Controlling behavior, like a partner dictating what you wear, is a red flag flapping in the wind. Excessive jealousy about past relationships and attempts to isolate you from friends and family are a big tell, they are like gusts of negativity that can blow a relationship off course.
Constant criticism, belittling comments, and emotional manipulation are the lightning strikes that can leave deep scars, lower self resepct and damage trust. Dishonesty, secretiveness, and a lack of accountability are like a thick fog that obscures the truth and erodes trust. And just as a single raindrop may seem harmless, small instances of disrespect or dismissiveness can accumulate over time, eroding the foundation of a healthy partnership. If you find yourself always walking on eggshells, having to ask if the other person is ok, feeling drained or unsafe in your relationship, it's important to trust your instincts and ask for support from. a professional. Reaching out to supportive loved ones and considering professional help can provide a safe harbor while you navigate these choppy waters. Remember, you deserve a relationship that uplifts and supports you, not one that leaves you weathering constant emotional turmoil.
What Is Enmeshment In A Relationship?
Explore in this what enmeshment in a marriage or relationship looks like in real life as I review the TV show 'Couples Therapy'. I will tell you and point out what enmeshment looks like in real life, with real examples. Every relationship has this to some degree, so it's important you can spot it in your own relationship or a family member.
The Toxic Family Behaviors
Check out this video and blog as I explain some of the big red flags I'm on the look out for when I conduct an assessment with people in my private practice. Some of these things are more toxic than others, and everything lives on a spectrum, so I try and give a balanced take on toxic traits. No one person has decided what a toxic relationship looks like but here's my try.
How To Fix A Toxic Relationship
Some practical ideas on how to fix a relationship using some of the skills and tools from a decade of experience as a couples and relationship therapist. The signs and symptoms of a toxic relationship are explored along with practical steps to take to shift dynamics.
More Reading
More of our blogs and videos that might be worth checking out
- Relationship Check In Questions
- 20 Questions For Emotional Intimacy
- Grab a copy of our Feelings Wheel
Relationship Advice for Parents
Parenting is a journey full of joys and challenges, and one of the most important things you can do for your children is to model a healthy, loving relationship. Just as kids learn by watching how you treat others, they absorb lessons about partnerships from observing your marriage or relationship. By nurturing your own connection, you give your children a strong foundation and an example to follow in their future relationships.
This means making time for each other, even amidst the chaos of family life. Regular date nights, shared hobbies, and small acts of affection keep the spark alive and show your kids that your relationship is a priority. It also means navigating conflicts with respect, empathy, and a focus on resolution, so your children learn how to handle disagreements in a healthy way. Equally important is talking openly with your kids about relationships, in an age-appropriate way. Discussing topics like respect, consent, and healthy boundaries helps them develop a positive framework for their own connections. With your guidance and example, your children can grow up to build loving, fulfilling partnerships of their own.
Parenting Styles Explained and Explored
Are all of these parenting terms getting you overwhelmed or confused? ME TOO! Seriously, this whole project started because I couldn't keep up with the entire zoo of animal parent types that are out there. It turns out that there's some seriously great knowledge hidden under these names. I've done the hard work and pulled out the most important facts and questions for you, so you don't have to ask.
Am I A Helicopter Parent?
Helicopter Parenting has got a lot of attention in the press and media, but how do you know if you are one? What do you do about it if you think you are? Helicopter parenting is driven by parental anxiety, which causes parents to become overly involved in their children's lives, sometimes becoming controlling but more importantly, depriving them of Psychological Autonomy, which is vital to help children grow into healthy, happy young adults.
What's My Parenting Style Quiz
A parenting style is simply the way you approach raising children, and we know from decades of research that it has a tremendous impact on your child's development and emotional health. When you know your parenting style tendencies it helps you understand if you'd like to change them can make all the difference in your household and to your child's future
What's A Jellyfish Parent?
You might be getting overwhelmed with all these parenting terms and parenting styles, there seems to be a new phrase every month. A Jellyfish Parent is someone I have to work the hardest on in my private practice. They are often immensely likable, full of love, but, just like a jellyfish, they sometimes lack the backbone to stand up to their kids. As a result, they can experience some behavioral issues when their children hit the teens and tweens point
More about the different parenting styles here:
What's My Parenting Style & Why Do I Need To Know?
Knowledge is power! If you know your parenting style and what it means for you and your household, you know what areas you can work on to change shift and enhance your relationships
Inisight
Knowing your parenting style can provide someone with valuable insight into their approach to parenting. It can help you understand why you react in certain ways to your child's behavior, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and how you can improve your parenting skills. By gaining insight into your parenting style, you can become a more effective parent and build a stronger relationship with your child.
Guide
Your parenting style can also guide your decisions and actions as a parent. It can help you set goals and expectations for your child, determine what kind of discipline or guidance they need, and create a positive home environment. By being aware of your parenting style, you can make more informed decisions about how to best support and guide your child as they grow and develop.
Grow
Understanding your parenting style can help you identify areas where you need to grow and improve as a parent. For example, if you tend to be a 'helicopter parent' and micromanage your child's life, you may need to work on giving them more independence and autonomy. Knowing your parenting style can help you identify these areas for growth and make positive changes.
Find out just how hard you helicopter
Want to know if you've got any helicopter tendencies? Access our free quiz here.
TAKE THE QUIZ
Am I A Helicopter Parent Quiz?
Free Therapy Tools & Psychology Worksheets
If you're a therapist or social worker or just someone who is interested in working with families or teens, here are some of the most popular mini-courses I offer. I'm constantly uploading more so highly suggest you sign up to our mailing list so you can stay in touch and learn more about the way I work every day using systemic therapy.
Other ideas for you to check out:
- Family Sculpting- with only one person?! Yup. We have an awesome way of doing this.
- A free feelings wheel? Everyone needs one, right?
- My best family therapy activity for teenagers. It involved marshmallows.
- Stuck doing notes? I think I found a solution for therapy words for notes
Bowen Family Systems
I think I use Bowen's Theory of Differentiation of Self every day, both personally and with clients.
Structural Family Systems
I had to learn all about Salvador Minuchin working in residential treatment, it's systemic therapy that works.
Therapy With Teens and Tweens
I've worked with teens and tweens my entire career and have some ideas for new therapists here.
Using Circular Questioning
I love using circular questioning in my sessions and I share all my tips and tricks here.
Differentiation Of Self and Bowen Systems Therapy
My clinical approach to therapy is very inspired by Differentiation of Self and the work of Dr Murray Bowen, which, while created years ago, but still stands the test of time.
If you've seen any of my videos on YouTube or TikTok you'll see that I'm always going on about Self, Other, Thoughts and Feelings. Apparently, I seem to be able to explain it in an interesting and fun way, so I created an entirely free online course on Differentiation of Self complete with worksheets, pdfs and more learning opportunities.
To find out more about Differentiation of Self. Bowen and more, click here.
What's My Relationship Conflict Style?
The Five Stages Of A Relationship.
Understanding the five stages of a relationship can be incredibly valuable for people in a new relationship, but also for anyone looking to build and maintain a healthy, fulfilling partnership. These stages—honeymoon, equilibrium, adjustment, reality, and teamwork—each present unique challenges and opportunities for growth. By recognizing which stage your relationship is in, you can navigate transitions more smoothly, address potential issues proactively, and strengthen your bond with your partner. This awareness not only fosters a deeper connection but also equips you with the tools to keep the spark alive and cultivate a resilient, enduring love.
Understanding Dating and the Honeymoon Phase
Have you ever wondered why the honeymoon phase when you first start dating, in a relationship feels so magical but doesn't last forever? This first stage is what dating is supposed to feel like- filled with rainbows, butterflies, and long romantic walks on the beach. Dating is the stage of pure excitement and joy, characterized by intense emotions, physical attraction, and the beginning of intimacy. Partners share more about themselves, exploring their compatibility without much commitment. This is when passion is at its peak.
Moving into Equilibrium
As the initial excitement of the honeymoon dating phase wears off, relationships enter the equilibrium stage. Here, anxiety and novelty decrease, leading to a more stable and comfortable dynamic. You might notice small rituals and feel a deeper intimacy as you become more familiar with each other. Passion stabilizes, and commitment begins to grow as you see the potential for a long-term relationship. At this stage, maintaining open communication and exploring emotional experiences help strengthen intimacy and desire for commitment.
Facing the Adjustment Stage
The adjustment stage is always critical and challenging. The rose-tinted glasses come off, revealing quirks, idiosyncrasies, and any red flags that were previously ignored. Passion can fluctuate, and intimacy is tested as partners reveal more about themselves. Commitment becomes crucial as you decide whether to work through differences or accept them. Effective conflict resolution and deciding on commitment are essential for navigating this stage.
Embracing Reality
In the reality stage, love matures as partners decide to live with each other's quirks and differences. Passion might be less intense but more stable and enduring. Intimacy strengthens as you've worked through challenges, leading to a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other. Commitment solidifies as you've chosen to stay together despite differences. Continuing to nurture intimacy and passion by engaging in shared activities and maintaining open communication is important to keep the relationship strong.
Final Stage: Building a Team
The final stage, teamwork, involves building a shared vision for the future with your special someone. Couples start focusing on common goals, such as kids, home, or community projects. Ideally, passion is balanced and integrated, contributing to a fulfilling partnership. Intimacy is at its highest, characterized by a profound bond and mutual support. Commitment is strong as couples work towards common goals. To always keep the relationship vibrant, it's crucial to introduce new experiences, show appreciation, and maintain excitement in all aspects, including the bedroom.
By understanding these five stages of romantic love and how passion, intimacy, and commitment play different roles, you can navigate your relationship with that special someone with greater awareness and intention.
The Key Components of A Relationship.
Understanding the five stages of a relationship can be incredibly valuable for people in a new relationship, but also for anyone looking to build and maintain a healthy, fulfilling partnership. These stages—honeymoon, equilibrium, adjustment, reality, and teamwork—each present unique challenges and opportunities for growth.
By recognizing which stage your relationship is in, it helps someone navigate transitions more smoothly, address potential issues proactively, and strengthen their bond with their partner. This awareness not only fosters a much deeper connection but also equips you with the tools to keep the spark alive and cultivate a resilient, enduring love.
Intimacy: The Emotional Connection
At the top of the triangle is intimacy, and romantic relationship requires some of these feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness. Intimacy encompasses emotional closeness and a deep sense of sharing and support between partners. It leads to feelings of warmth, trust, and a deep understanding of one another. When a relationship is mainly or only filled with intimacy, it's often referred to as "liking." This type of relationship is characterized by a deep emotional connection and friendship without physical attraction or long-term commitment.
Passion: The Physical Attraction
Passion involves physical attraction and sexual desires. It includes elements of romance, physical attraction, and general excitement. Passion is the driving force behind physical closeness and is often characterized by intense emotional states and a strong desire for the other person. When a relationship is dominated by passion alone, it is characterized by "infatuation." This is the "love at first sight" scenario, where there is a strong physical and emotional attraction but a lack of intimacy or commitment. This type of love can be fleeting and may not last long without the development of other components.
Commitment: The Cognitive Aspect
Commitment is the more cognitive aspect of love that involves the decision to maintain and nurture a relationship over time. It is a conscious choice to stay with a partner through good times and bad and to hunker down into a committed relationship. Commitment indicates stability and durability in a relationship. When a relationship is based solely on commitment, it is often referred to as "empty love." This type of relationship may occur in long-term marriages where the passion and intimacy have faded, but the partners remain together due to a sense of obligation or shared history.
Combining the Elements
The triangular theory explains that the combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment can create different types of love:
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Liking: High intimacy, low passion, low commitment - this is essentially a friend.
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Infatuation: High passion, low intimacy, low commitment - this is a crush or a one-night stand.
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Empty Love: High commitment, low intimacy, low passion. This is a relationship that's turned into more of a friend situation
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Romantic Love: High intimacy and passion, low commitment. The first stages of a relationship.
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Companionate Love: High intimacy and commitment, low passion this may be drifting towards the friend zone.
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Fatuous Love: High passion and commitment, low intimacy - this may be an affair.
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Consummate Love: High intimacy, passion, and commitment - the ultimate friend who is also a lover
Frequently Asked Questions
Advice on relationships is tricky to give because every relationship is different, and the vast majority will have its share of ups and downs. There's rarely one right answer to a question, and answers will vary from person to person.
Every couple faces many common challenges, and if tackled well, these are actually something that can make the relationship stronger.
How to keep a relationship strong, healthy, and happy
The health of a relationship depends on how supportive you are of your partner, what you say vs. what you do, how you work on the challenges together, and how you share things. Regularly expressing your feelings, express more gratitude, and being there for your partner in difficult moments are crucial. Our website if filled with tools on how to grow great relationships.
How to fight fair in a relationship
What you say, matters:
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in the relationship?
Something a lot couples don't know is that arguments and fights do not always cause cracks in a relationship. Studies have shown that couples who argue often and peacefully are more likely to stay together. My People Patterns has a full breakdown of conflict in relationships and a transformative course you can take too.
There's also no correct method of answering the question "Do we fight too much?" If it's every day or always, then maybe, but it's different for each person.
The strongest couples argue, fight fair, and talk openly and honestly and a lot of them make repair the priority. Respecting each other's opinions and addressing conflicts without trying to prove the other person wrong is essential, there are some things you should never do in a relationship thought:
- Never be physical - something that is just not tolerable.
- Never make it about the person, just the behavior.
- Never threaten to leave or pack bags - something we consider to be manipulative
- Never ignore your partner's boundaries.
How to maintain romance in a relationship
Romance is an essential part of a relationship. Yet as time passes, looking back you may notice that a lot of feelings change, and many of us forget how it once felt to romance our partner. Small actions, thoughtful acts, and moments of novelty can bring the forgotten spark back into your relationship. It’s the little things that often matter the most -it's about getting back to basics and never letting go of the goal of prioritizing your relationship.
What are the best relationship goals?
Having relationship goals is necessary to keep things moving in a healthy way for years to come, but it's important to realize that these need to be realistic and are never too unacheivable. If you and your partner become each other's best friend and not just a romantic interest, resolving issues with maturity, and trying new activities can definitely help. Shared goals create a sense of unity and purpose and bring back purpose and goals.
How to manage communication in a relationship
If intimacy is the backbone of a relationship, communication is the brain and true love requires both. My People Patterns is an authority in 'progressive emotional communication', and we have skills and tools online for you to use today. Take care of communication, especially if you're married, and the rest falls into place. It's not just about what you say but how you say it, what you communicate when you are silent, and how you listen as well. Good communication ensures that both partners feel heard and respected which builds back trust and intimacy.
If you're married or in a relationship, this alone can evoke feelings of passion and fulfillment but can also cause much agony when things fall apart. Many factors can positively or negatively impact relationships, and finding a balance is necessary to ensure their longevity, which can significantly impact your quality of life.
What is the true meaning of love in a relationship?
Love in a relationship or if you're married takes many forms and is always complicated to explain. A couple can also be in a relationship for a considerable amount of time without realizing its true meaning. Love in a relationship takes time to bloom but completes a relationship. There's no right or wrong way of falling in love or being married either.
What are the different types of romantic relationships?
One of the well-established facts about love and relationships is that no two relationships are the same. Just like different personality types exist, there are different types of romances that couples experience. Ranging from fun to practical and everything in between, every type has its unique flavor. Whether it's the first time you're dating or you've been together for years, understanding the different types can help you and your partner make the most out of your relationship.
What are the most important things in a relationship?
Even a happy couple or married pair will tell you that you can often go into an auto mode after being together for some time, which can drastically affect the quality of their relationship and well being. To prevent a toxic relationship from developing and to keep a happy life, a marriage counselor will tell you that relationships need work and maintenance. Things together, like regular date nights and honest communication, make partners feel good and loved. To know love is to understand that toxic behaviors prevent healthy romances from developing the right way. To keep a happy life, it takes work to ensure your relationship status stays positive.
What are the different stages of relationships?
A relationship begins with a simple attraction and can later intensify and grow into something that can withstand a great many things. Each stage of a relationship builds upon a change in feelings of a couple towards each other. It's very important to know how it grows to understand how to manage one. From the first time you meet to the days and years that follow, understanding these stages can make your partner feel more secure and loved.
What makes a relationship good?
There's no right answer to this. What are successful relationships but a way for us to become a better version of ourselves? Apart from changing oneself from time to time while maintaining individuality for the sake of a good relationship, having open communication, trust, confidence, and honesty are just some of the factors which can ensure that couples stay in a relationship that fulfills them physically and emotionally. Love someone deeply and understanding what your partner needs can help you build a strong, lasting bond. Taking the time, day by day, to nurture your relationship will make both partners feel valued and happy.
