The Relationship Conflict Style Quiz
Is It Normal for Couples to Fight?
I've been a couples therapist for nearly ten years, and a common question that often arises is, "Is it normal for couples to fight?"
Relationships are complex, and disagreements are bound to occur and while there's no right way to disagree, there is a wrong way to argue. Knowing your conflict management style and your conflict resolution styles are vital to navigating difficult conversations without blow ups or hurting each other. Effective conflict resolution skills are so important to every relationship, but knowing your own style of conflict is the first step in know what skills to look for. Think of it as a cheat sheet to fast-track to healthy conflict.
In fact, disagreements can even be healthy if managed properly. Understanding the dynamics of fights in your relationships, really shedding light on the patterns of interaction can be a helpful way to understand what happens. So, whether you are starting a relationship or struggling with continuous arguments, My People Patterns is here to help. Even if you just have some healthy curiosity about human interactions, we aim to provide you with insights and strategies to enhance the quality of your relationship.
That's why I created the conflict quiz, which is a quick non-clinical assessment, because I found that most people want to find their results or conflict management styles before they start their journey into well being and healthy relationships
Is it healthy for couples to have disagreements?
At the start of a relationship, when we fall in love, we seem to be programmed to only see the similarities or the things we have in common. This makes us feel close and connected, but after the honeymoon period ends, we start noticing differences because, let's face it, we're two very different people with different ways of thinking about things. Based on this logic, we are absolutely going to disagree on things as we'll each have an entirely different approach to doing something or each think we know the best way to get it done. Because we come from entirely different families, none of our beliefs, values, thoughts, and opinions can be 100% the same. Subsequently, we are going to disagree on some things.
Disagreements can provide an opportunity for couples to work on connections through the communication of thoughts and feelings and different opinions and beliefs. We can get to know each other and feel closer when we share differing opinions in a safe environment, that contact feels important to us on a deep level.
Understanding relationship disagreements, even if you're thinking about workplace conflict, starts with a difference of opinion, which often turn into conflicts, and it's how you handle conflict (not disagreements) that determines how healthy your relationship is.
Read More About Conflict:
Do you know the 5 types of conflict people get into?
What are the different types of conflict styles?
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument consists of four quadrants that come out of two axis. The first axis is the assertiveness axis, which represents how much you prioritize your own needs and concerns in a conflict. On one end of the spectrum, you have those who are highly assertive and prioritize their own needs above all else. On the other end, you have those who are less assertive and try find a way to gratify the needs of others and who are more likely to work together.
The second axis is the cooperativeness axis, which represents how much you prioritize the needs and concerns of others in a conflict. On one end, you have those who are highly cooperative and are willing to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of others. On the other end, you have those who are less cooperative and prioritize their own needs over the needs of others.
Based on these two axes, the TKI Mode identifies five conflict styles:
1. Avoiding: This conflict style involves avoiding or ignoring the conflict altogether. People who use this style often prefer to keep the peace and may feel uncomfortable or anxious when confronted with conflict. While avoiding can temporarily alleviate tension, it may lead to unresolved issues and resentment if not addressed properly.
2. Accommodating: Accommodators prioritize maintaining the relationship and are willing to sacrifice their own needs and desires to please others. They may give in to the other person's demands or opinions, even if it means compromising their own values. While accommodating can be a useful conflict style in certain situations, repeatedly doing so without addressing personal concerns can lead to feelings of being taken advantage of or not being heard.
3. Competing: Competitors adopt a win-lose or aggressive approach to conflict, focusing on their own needs and desires at the expense of others. They may use aggressive tactics, such as asserting dominance or manipulation, to get their way. While competing can be effective in some situations, it can damage relationships and create a hostile environment if not balanced with cooperation and compromise.
4. Collaborating: Collaborators seek win-win solutions by actively listening, empathizing, and finding mutually beneficial solutions. They prioritize open communication, understanding, and finding common ground. The Collaborating conflict style allows for both parties to express their needs and concerns while working together to find a resolution that satisfies everyone involved. This style can foster trust, and respect, and strengthen the relationship.
5. Compromising: Compromisers aim to find a middle ground by both parties making concessions, this is more of an accommodating style to conflict situations. They are willing to give up some of their own needs and desires in order to reach a resolution. Compromising can be a practical conflict style when time is limited or when the issue at hand is not of high importance. However, relying too heavily on compromising without addressing underlying concerns can lead to unresolved issues and future conflicts.
What Do Couples Fight About?
A study spearheaded by Amie Gordon, which examined 100 cohabiting couples, delved into what people think their frequent triggers of disputes were. These couples were asked to evaluate 15 potential areas of conflict based on their own experiences, painting a big picture of common contention areas.
The findings of the test provides us with some enlightening information: The top three areas of dispute were
- communication patterns,
- societal norms which are what we consider to be appropriate behavior,
- and intimate matters,
Followed closely by household responsibilities and financial discussions.
Notably, hobbies and recreational activities were the least contentious, with only 2% of couples viewing it as a regular issue.
The Conflict Style Quiz and What Couples Fight About?
Every pair in a romantic relationship encounters differences. Common issues often revolve around communication, time management, and monetary concerns. In budding relationships, trust and intimacy are primary focal points, whereas those in longer relationships might grapple with daily routines and habits. Naturally, stress exacerbates these communication challenges, underscoring the need to address persistent problems during peaceful times.
Another study revealed that financial matters were the primary source of disputes among married couples, with a staggering 86% of recently married couples starting their marital journey in debt. The study further showed that the greater the debt, the more frequent the financial disagreements.
Disputes are an inherent aspect of relationships, and it's not uncommon for couples to engage in heated discussions. While the reasons for disagreements can differ among couples, some triggers consistently emerge. Recognizing these triggers can pave the way for conflict resolution and foster a more balanced, harmonious relationship. Healthy couple arguments are ones that can be resolved easily and without hurting each other.
Taking the conflict styles quiz is a super important first step in beginning this journey of growing great connections
Why Should I Take The Conflict Styles Quiz?
- Taking the conflict styles quiz and discovering your conflict style goes beyond labels—it's about delving into your personal behaviors, particularly when faced with disagreements in relationships. This introspection goes beyond just identifying your typical responses; it's about deciding how you'd prefer to respond when discord arises next and noticing and observing patterns that come up in relationships when there's tension.
- Misinterpretations can be the breeding ground for conflicts. Being aware of your conflict style equips you with a clearer understanding of how your expressions and actions might be perceived during tense situations. This newfound understanding serves as a foundation for refining your communication approach, aiding in making your exchanges clearer, helps avoid disagreements and stopping them from spiraling into major communication breakdowns.
- When it comes to relationships, be it personal or professional, conflicts are inevitable companions. They're intertwined with our interactions with others. Conflict style identification illuminates our patterns or even triggers that could be agitating situations more often. By acknowledging your default conflict go-to behavior, you’re better positioned to address issues more healthily way, laying down the groundwork for fortified bonds with those around you.
- Taking the conflict styles quiz and understanding your conflict patterns is instrumental in sharpening your conflict resolution abilities.. It's about garnishing your toolkit with additional strategies—like active listening, improving communication in relationships compromising, respecting privacy, or learning conflict resolution strategies. The tactics you adopt along this journey are tailored to your conflict style, transforming conflict resolution into less of a combat zone.
What are you waiting for? Taking a free conflict styles quiz is a quick and effective assessment that can greatly benefit your personal and professional life.
By identifying your conflict style, you'll be better equipped to navigate disagreements and foster healthier interactions. The quiz results will help you understand your default behaviors - how you tend to behave, and provide strategies to improve your communication skills. Whether you want to enhance your teamwork, strengthen your relationships, or simply get better at dealing with conflict with another person, this tool can be used to gain valuable insights.
Rather than letting conflicts derail your progress, try this quiz to gain a deeper understanding of how to address issues constructively. If you want to build a stronger foundation for your interactions, the conflict styles quiz is a good step back to assess and refine your approach. Ultimately, this knowledge will help you and your team work well together, leading to more harmonious and productive relationships.
