Understanding Open Relationships, Polyamorous Relationships and more!

Understanding Open Relationships: A Comprehensive Guide for 2024

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What if everything you thought you knew about love and relationships was just the tip of the iceberg? For years, we've been led to believe that there are only two clear-cut options when it comes to relationships: either you’re committed to a serious, long-term partnership, or you’re simply a player. It’s as if relationships have been seen as a choice between two teams, with no room for flexibility or nuance. But what if there’s more to it than that?

A groundbreaking study published recently has the potential to transform how we understand relationships, shedding light on the dynamics of open relationships, polyamory, and other non-monogamous styles that have been gaining attention. If we haven’t met before, I’m Oliver, a relationship therapist based in Los Angeles, and I’m passionate about helping people build and sustain fulfilling connections.

This new perspective is so compelling that even I, as a therapist, found it eye-opening. In this post, I’ll break down everything you need to know about non-monogamous relationships, from the terminology to the various relationship styles, helping you gain a deeper understanding of how love and commitment can be more fluid and multifaceted than we might think.

Redefining Relationship Spectrums For Open Relationships 

Traditionally, relationship preferences have been viewed as a spectrum. On one end, you have those seeking casual, short-term encounters fueled by thrill and excitement, and on the other end, those who desire long-term, monogamous commitments. You were expected to pick one side and stick to it. But what if those two desires aren’t actually opposites? What if they can coexist within a single person?

The recent study published in *Personality and Individual Differences* has introduced a new framework that reveals our romantic and sexual desires exist as separate, independent dimensions that can overlap. This means that a person’s desire for casual encounters and their longing for long-term commitment are not mutually exclusive, which fundamentally changes how we view human connection.

Breaking Down the Terminology

Before diving into the archetypes this study introduces, let’s clarify some key terms:

1. **Monogamy**: A relationship structure where one person is romantically and sexually involved with only one partner at a time. Boundaries are set to keep the relationship exclusive.

2. **Non-Monogamy**: An umbrella term for any relationship structure that falls outside traditional monogamy.

3. **Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM)**: A form of non-monogamy where all parties involved explicitly consent to having romantic, intimate, and sexual relationships with others. This differs from cheating, which involves a breach of agreed-upon boundaries.

4. **Mononormativity**: The societal belief that monogamy is the default or superior relationship model. This bias often informs our understanding of relationships, but it doesn’t reflect the diversity of human desires.

The Four Archetypes: Understanding Different Relationship Styles

The study identifies four broad relationship archetypes based on an individual’s desire for casual encounters and long-term commitment:

1. **The Anchor**
Anchors are deeply invested in creating stable, emotionally secure relationships. They find comfort in predictability and reliability, often becoming the emotional rock in their partnerships. However, this dedication to stability can sometimes lead to stagnation, as Anchors may resist change or new experiences. They thrive in monogamous relationships where emotional and sexual exclusivity are prioritized.

2. **The Yacht**
Yachts are unique in their desire for both long-term commitment and casual encounters. They enjoy the stability of a committed relationship but also crave variety and new experiences. Think of a luxury yacht equipped with all the amenities—these partners want it all. Yachts might explore polyamory or “monogamish” relationships, where a committed relationship allows for some flexibility in sexual encounters with others. For these individuals, balancing exploration with stability is key.

3. **The Seeker**
Seekers are less interested in long-term, committed relationships and more inclined towards adventure and freedom. They often prioritize new connections and experiences over deep emotional ties. While this might sound lonely to some, Seekers embrace this lifestyle, although they may face pressure from societal norms pushing them towards monogamy. Understanding and accepting their lower desire for commitment can alleviate internal conflict.

4. **The Island**
Islands value independence and self-reliance, often preferring to focus on personal goals rather than romantic or casual relationships. They might enjoy solitude and find deep contentment in their individual pursuits. However, they may also experience pressure to conform to societal expectations around relationships. Islands may gravitate towards solo polyamory, where they maintain multiple relationships without prioritizing any one partner.

Mapping Relationship Styles to the Archetypes

These archetypes provide a fascinating lens through which to view different relationship styles:

- **Monogamy** fits naturally with Anchors, who seek stability and exclusivity.
- **Monogamish** relationships, where partners are mostly monogamous but allow for some flexibility, are a good fit for Yachts.
- **Swinging** (engaging in sexual activities with others, usually within a shared setting) aligns with the desires of Yachts who want both stability and excitement.
- **Open Relationships** (where primary partners allow sexual or romantic connections with others) are also favored by Yachts.
- **Polyamory** (maintaining multiple intimate relationships with informed consent) appeals to Seekers and Yachts who crave diverse connections.
- **Solo Polyamory** (individuals maintaining multiple relationships without prioritizing any one partner) aligns well with Islands.

Exploring the Consensual Non-Monogamy Matrix

Beyond individual preferences, it’s also essential to understand how different relationship dynamics can be categorized. Jessica Fern’s book *Polysecure* introduces a matrix based on two key dimensions: emotional exclusivity and sexual exclusivity.

- **High Emotional and Sexual Exclusivity**: This quadrant includes monogamy, monogamish relationships, and polyfidelity (where three or more people form an exclusive relationship with each other).
- **High Emotional Exclusivity, Low Sexual Exclusivity**: Here, you’ll find open relationships and swinging, where partners remain emotionally committed while allowing sexual freedom.
- **Low Emotional and Sexual Exclusivity**: This category includes hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, as well as solo polyamory, where multiple significant relationships coexist without exclusivity.
- **High Sexual Exclusivity, Low Emotional Exclusivity**: Asexual or “ace” individuals and polyintimates (those who form deep emotional connections with others while maintaining sexual exclusivity with one partner) may fit into this category.

Final Thoughts

Understanding open relationships and consensual non-monogamy is about recognizing that human desires are more complex than the binary choices we’ve been given. As this new research highlights, desires for casual encounters and long-term commitment can coexist within the same person, creating a richer, more nuanced understanding of relationships.

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You can find more resources and infographics on my website [www.OliverDrakefordTherapy.com](http://www.oliverdrakefordtherapy.com).