Marriage, Relationships, and Personal Boundaries: Examples in Therapy

Navigating the complex terrain of marriage and relationships can be challenging, especially when it comes to setting and maintaining personal boundaries. In this post, we’ll explore practical examples of boundaries I see in therapy, offering insights that may help you in your own relationships.

If you’re new to My People Patterns, I’m Oliver, and I’m a mental health professional in Los Angeles, and. I work with couples and families, and I love helping people understand how to grow healthy, happy, intimate relationships. I’ve been a therapist for nearly a decade and was the Clinical Diretor of a residential treatment center that specialized in understanding and helping people grow healthy relationships.

Understanding Personal Boundaries

Personal boundaries are essential for defining where one person ends and another begins. They give us a sense of self and security, but they can also hinder our development if they become too rigid or too porous - both of which are considered unhealthy boundaries in certain situations.

Types of Boundary 

1. Bulletproof Boundaries:
   • Let's consider Jimmy, an imaginary client who is an actor. Jimmy's boundaries are heavily centered around his acting career. His discussions in therapy often revolve around auditions and castings, which define him but also guard him from exploring deeper emotional aspects of his personal life.
   • Jimmy’s rigid boundaries protect him from vulnerability but prevent deep connections. These boundaries make individuals appear aloof and can lead to isolation and loneliness. Jimmy uses his rigid boundaries to avoid vulnerability, keeping many aspects of his life private and maintaining strict, inflexible rules.
   • These boundaries protect him from getting hurt, but after six months, they are preventing him from forming a deeper connection with me as his therapist so I might consider these to be unhealthy boundaries.
   • Individuals with bulletproof boundaries may have a hard time opening up to others, leading to isolation and loneliness, as their rigid boundaries prevent them from experiencing the intimacy and support that come from close relationships. They might insist on doing everything themselves, refusing help or advice, and often you can feel the distance when a client like this walks in. As a therapist, you can often see it as well; a client with rigid boundaries is going to sit as far away as possible from you.
   • Therapeutic Approach: Link the boundaries to the presenting problem. Jimmy’s acting career might improve if he can work on the boundaries he’s put around his feelings. There might be more depth and vulnerability in his performances, which could be one angle to align with his motivation for therapy.

Breakable or Unhealthy Boundaries:

3. • Jenny, another client, might has breakable or poor boundaries, sometimes called 'porous boundaries'. This means she might be more likely to overshare and struggle to say "no," becoming overly involved in others' problems.
   • This lack of boundaries leads to emotional exhaustion, confusion and mental health issues. Breakable boundaries are like thin barriers that don’t keep anything out or in. A 'self' with boundaries like this might overshare personal information with strangers, struggle to say "no," or become overly involved in a partner's problems.
   • People with breakable boundaries often feel overwhelmed because they take on too much from others, neglecting their own needs and well-being. They might share intimate details about their life with acquaintances, leading to regret or discomfort later. This type of client might sit as close to the therapist as possible, letting it all out at once and becoming flooded as they can't regulate themselves.
   • Therapeutic Approach: Help clients distinguish between self and others, encouraging them to focus on their own feelings and needs. Continuously point out the focus being on others and highlight the distinction between what they feel and what the person they’re talking about might be feeling. The goal is to get that separation of self and other happening, and to highlight examples of poor boundaries.

Balanced Boundaries or Healthy Boundaries

4. • Example: Individuals with balanced, helathy boundaries communicate their needs openly and maintain a healthy balance between giving and receiving. They support each other’s goals and respect each other’s opinions, creating a strong, supportive partnership. With balanced boundaries, you know when to say "no" and when to share, maintaining a healthy balance between giving and receiving. The most loving people are actually the most boundaried people. This sort of person communicates their needs openly, shares personal information appropriately, and can lock down their feelings when they need to. Balanced boundaries help create a healthy relationship dynamic where both partners feel valued and understood. For example, in a relationship with balanced boundaries, both partners might discuss their needs for personal space and time together, finding a compromise that works for both.

Boundaries in Relationships

In relationships, boundaries regulate closeness and distance. Let’s examine three types of boundaries through family dynamics:

1. Breakable Boundaries: Families that over-rely on each other, struggling to maintain individuality. This family might cling tightly to one another, struggling to maintain individuality and over-relying on each other.
2. Bulletproof Boundaries: Families with significant physical and emotional distance, avoiding vulnerability. This family might show significant physical distance and closed body language, suggesting bulletproof boundaries. They may avoid vulnerability and emotional closeness.
3. Balanced Boundaries: Families that respect each other’s space while staying connected. This family might be well-spaced but connected, reflecting balanced boundaries. They respect each other's space while staying connected.

Regulating Closeness

Boundaries help regulate closeness in relationships. Too much closeness can be uncomfortable, while too much distance can lead to disconnection. Couples often need to balance these opposing needs. For instance, a couple might spend a lot of time together but still feel emotionally distant due to rigid boundaries. These boundaries serve as emotional guards, preventing vulnerability and deep emotional connection.

Preventing Distance

Boundaries also prevent distance by maintaining a level of closeness that protects the relationship. However, overly rigid boundaries can make a partner feel trapped, leading to resentment. Conversely, breakable boundaries can allow external influences to intrude, disrupting the relationship.

Practical Strategies for Therapists

1. Concentric Circles Activity: Have clients map out their relationships, placing those they feel emotionally close to in inner circles. This helps identify where boundaries need improvement.
2. Linking Boundaries to Goals: Connect boundary work to the client’s motivations. For example, improving emotional boundaries could enhance an actor’s performance.

Pruning Boundaries and Paradoxical Effects

Sometimes, boundaries have the opposite effect. Think of a plant growing too big in a garden. You cut it back because it’s blocking light, but the boundary you set by pruning makes it grow back stronger. There are many ways this plays out in relationships:

1. Bulletproof Boundaries: When a parent is too rigid in their parenting style, their child may rebel during teenage years. In couples therapy, boundaries designed to keep a couple close may over time make one partner feel stifled, leading to rebellion, working more, or even having an affair. The work in therapy is to soften these boundaries for more emotional connection.
2. Breakable Boundaries: When parents have breakable boundaries with their kids, it often leads to behavioral problems. The therapist’s job is to help these parents toughen up, disappointing their children initially but raising happier kids in the long run.

Expected Boundaries

Expected boundaries are rules assumed to be in place based on past experiences or societal norms. These boundaries help partners navigate their interactions and maintain a healthy relationship. For example, in a relationship, you might have expected boundaries around personal space or time. Sometimes, couples therapy involves helping clients realize they are living in a self-imposed prison that prevents closeness or intimacy.

Reflection Questions

Now, let's reflect on your own relationship boundaries. Consider these questions:

1. Do the expected boundaries in your relationship enhance or hinder your connection?
2. How might adjusting these boundaries improve your relationship?

Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries in relationships offers numerous benefits for your emotional well-being and the strength of your connections. Boundaries help protect your emotional space by allowing you to safeguard your feelings and reduce stress and anxiety.   They enable you to separate your own thoughts and needs from those of others, preventing you from feeling overly responsible for their happiness.  Boundaries also enrich your relationships by reducing resentment and insecurity, allowing you to form healthier attachments.  They protect your valuable time and energy so you can devote yourself to what matters most.   Setting limits helps you maintain a strong sense of identity and make your own needs a priority.  Additionally, clearly communicating your boundaries can proactively prevent conflicts and misunderstandings in relationships.  It fosters an atmosphere of mutual respect where both parties feel heard and understood.   Ultimately, setting boundaries is an act of self-care that benefits both you and your relationships by enabling you to show up as your best, most authentic self.

By understanding and implementing healthy boundaries, you can significantly improve your relationships and foster deeper connections. Reflect on your own boundaries and consider making necessary adjustments for a healthier, happier marriage. Balanced boundaries are key to strong, supportive partnerships.

Adding these insights and practical strategies will make the blog post more comprehensive and valuable to readers, providing them with actionable advice and deeper understanding of personal boundaries in relationships and therapy.

How to Set Boundaries In A Relationship

Embracing Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries in relationships are often misunderstood. Some perceive them as selfish barriers, while others misuse them to exert control. Both views are flawed, as true boundaries are about self-regulation and respect and are about your SELF, not others.

My next-door neighbor has a puppy that barks a lot when he's at work, i get that everyone has to have a job, and leave their dog at home, and puppies are just figuring out the world and are extra needy, but this pup is relentless.

So I could have thought to myself, “I need to set boundaries to stop this barking.” and marched over to tell my very sweet neighbor “You can’t let that dog bark while you're gone,”. But that is unlikely to be effective because it attempts to control the dog's actions or my neighbors actions.

In a relationship, it might be something like "I will not tolerate your behavior of coming home late anymore," which is the same ineffective demand on the other person.

Instead, we need to focus on our own responses and actions when it comes to boundaries being crossed. For instance, I might say,

“Hey neighbor, your dog is pretty noisy and doesn't stop barking for hours at a time, I need to be able to text you, call your or go let your dog out to play for a bit." This shifts the focus from trying to control the dogs behavior to managing my own actions around the limits of the dog barking.

The key aspect of setting effective boundaries is what YOU will do.

Sidenote - I have a key to my neighbor's house, and if I'm home and the dog's barking non-stop, the puppy comes and hangs out with with me for a few hours. I get some peace, the dog is not lonely, my neighbor is not hated by everyone in my zip code.

In a relationships, the equivalent might be "If you're not home by the time you said, I am going to sleep in the spare room so I'm not woken up by you and I can get a decent nights sleep"

Think of boundaries like the lines on a sports field. These lines don’t dictate how the game is played but define the playing area, ensuring everyone knows the limits. Similarly, personal boundaries define what is acceptable for you, guiding your responses and actions without imposing control over others.

Effective boundaries in marriage and relationships are about self-awareness and self-control. They involve recognizing what behaviors affect you negatively and deciding how you will respond to protect your well-being. For instance, if a spouse frequently comes home late without communication, instead of saying, “You cannot interrupt me anymore,” a more constructive boundary might be, “If you continue to interrupt me, I am going to walk away from this conversation and we can finish it another time”

Setting such boundaries helps maintain a respectful and loving relationship. It ensures that you are not passively allowing hurtful behaviors but actively managing your reactions to foster a healthier interaction.

In the end, self-control and boundaries serve to enhance love and respect in a marriage. By focusing on your actions and reactions, you create an environment where both partners feel valued and understood, leading to deeper connection and intimacy.

Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries

Boundary setting is all about thinking about your personal limits and

1. Identify Your Limits: Understand what you can tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed.
2. Identify Your Actions: what actions can you take to protect your boundaries?
3. Communicate Clearly: Express your boundaries calmly and assertively. Use “I” statements to convey your needs and feelings.
4. Be Consistent: Stick to the boundaries you set. Inconsistency can lead to confusion and resentment.
5. Respect Yourself and Others: Ensure your boundaries respect your own needs as well as the needs of others.
6. Be Patient: Setting boundaries is a process that takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate this journey.

Remember, boundaries are about self-control and creating a space where love can flourish.

Reflection Questions

• Do you feel your boundaries in your relationship are more about controlling your partner or empowering yourself?
• How can you adjust your boundaries to better serve love and intimacy in your relationship?

By setting and respecting boundaries, you can create a healthy, loving environment that benefits both you and your partner.

What Are Five Examples Of Boundaries To Set In A New Relationship?

When starting a new relationship, it's important to establish clear boundaries early on. While common boundaries around physical intimacy, communication, and personal space are often discussed, there are some more unusual boundaries that are equally important to set:

Social media boundaries:

Decide how much of your relationship you're comfortable sharing online -it's a digital boundary which is so important in 2024. Discuss posting photos together, tagging each other, and interacting on social media. It's important to be on the same page about how public or private you want your relationship to be on social platforms.

Alone time boundaries:

It's perfectly healthy to set boundaries around physical space in romantic relationships to ensure you both have adequate personal time to maintain your individuality. Communicate your needs for solitude, whether it's going to a yoga class solo or taking a weekend trip with friends. Mutual respect for each other's alone time fosters a healthy interdependence.

Boundaries around exes:

If you or your partner have significant exes still in your lives, set clear boundaries around those interactions. Discuss what level of contact with exes is acceptable and what crosses a line. Transparency about these relationships can prevent jealousy and build trust.

Emotional Boundaries

Emotional boundaries are guidelines you set regarding the emotional limits and feelings you share and accept in any relationship. For example, someone might be very sensitive to loudness and might put a boundary around how anger is expressed, by saying "I understand you're angry, and I want to hear what's going on, but I will have to walk away if you continue to be so loud".

Establishing emotional boundaries is crucial for maintaining your emotional health and fostering healthier connections with those around you. They help you recognize and maintain relationships that support your well-being and identify those that may be detrimental. For individuals who often prioritize others' needs over their own, creating and respecting these boundaries becomes even more essential.

Sexual Boundaries.

Like any personal boundary, sexual boundaries are a form of physical boundaries that are all about describing what you're comfortable with and what you're not ok with in regard to your sex life. You can set limits about where and how your romantic partner touches you. You can set limits with what you're comfortable doing with your partner. And you can set limits about when, how, and how often sexual activities occur.

Intellectual Boundaries

Intellectual boundaries in a relationship refer to respecting each other thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs. In a new relationship, it's likely that you're focused on all the things you have in common, and it's easy to forget that you're two vastly different people from varying backgrounds and cultures.... you will absolutely have differences in some thoughts, values and opinions. However, tolerating these differences is important and a great idea for a boundary. They involve recognizing your partner's right to think independently and form their own views, even if they differ from yours without shutting them down or ridiculing them.