My Relationship Is Lacking Emotional Intimacy, What Do I Do?

Have you ever experienced the paradox of feeling alone in the presence of your partner? This sense of physical proximity coupled with emotional distance is a shared experience, more prevalent than you might realize. Despite sharing a home and spending time together, the absence of emotional intimacy can create an invisible barrier, leaving you both struggling to connect amidst unspoken thoughts and buried feelings.

How To Build Emotional INtimacy: Ideas from My People Patterns

Some of the ideas we've had in other blog posts and articles you might want to look at:

• Our online couples communication classes 
• The new Intimacy Quiz For Couples
• Some questions for emotional intimacy

What A Relationship Lacking Emotional Intimacy Feels Like

A relationship without a strong emotional connection or a lack of emotional intimacy can feel empty – you go through the motions without truly seeing or supporting each other's feelings. There's a distinct lack of emotional attachment, as if you speak different languages without a translator. You might start to question whether your partner recognizes your own emotions or whether they can understand the intellectual intimacy you crave.

Without emotional safety, it's hard to communicate openly, and you find yourself holding back, unsure if your vulnerability will be met with empathy or met with silence.

If, on evenings together, you both retreat to screens instead of having deep conversations that foster emotional connection or even choosing to play games and have fun, it might be a sign your relationship lacks emotional intimacy.

Over time, this emotional void can erode the very foundation of stable relationships and make you wonder if you're on a path toward resentment or even mental health conditions influenced by isolation.

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is like a safe harbor where you and your partner build intimacy through honest exchange and genuine care. It's not just about physical affection, spending quality time together, or spending more time with your partner.

Emotional intimacy in your relationship is connected to your ability to talk about your emotional world in such a way that you gain a felt sense of connection. Emotional intimacy is about understanding each other's emotional needs, fears, worries, desires, dreams, and feelings- good, bad, and ugly.

Emotional intimacy creates a protected space where both can admit fears, hopes, and struggles. To connect emotionally and to be emotionally intimate is to be seen for who you are, have your partner reflect on what you feel, and know they will do their best to understand you deeply.

Emotional intimacy can emerge in small gestures: when your partner senses your mood shift before you say a word and asks if you want to talk about it.

Or when your partner recalls a story about their familial relationships that's vulnerable, raw, and moving.

Think of your emotional world as a glitterball - a disco ball? Your partner can't possibly see all the tiny little mirrors you have at any time. Still, a connection is made, and emotional intimacy is built when you move your disco ball a fraction so that the light reflects off a new surface. You build emotional intimacy when you reveal more about yourself. More importantly, emotional intimacy can only exist when you feel safe enough to do that.

The Difference Between Emotional & Physical Intimacy

Think of physical intimacy as the rhythm and emotional intimacy as the melody.

Physical affection, like a reassuring hug, can feel empty if you lack trust and openness.

Emotional intimacy provides the context, turning touch into a way to connect rather than a hollow gesture.

When both forms align, they help strengthen your relationship work by meeting emotional needs, encouraging you to communicate openly, and making each interaction more meaningful than the last.

The Four Blocks to Emotional Intimacy In A Relationship:

I've been a couples therapist for nearly a decade, and helping couples build emotional intimacy is one of the things I love to do in my private practice. I've spotted several ubiquitous blocks to emotional intimacy that I often see in my work, so I built the CARE & Intimacy Quiz For Couples to help you identify what is going on in your relationship and help guide you toward how to increase intimacy with your partner.

Communication Is The Key To A Healthy Relationship

The most challenging conversations are often the ones that matter most – they're doorways to deeper emotional connection, allowing romantic relationships to build emotional intimacy rather than drifting into a lack of emotional closeness.

Think of communication styles as different languages or perhaps just having different accents!

Some people directly talk about their emotions and use 'I' statements to express themselves.

 Indirect communicators are more subtle, expecting their partner to empathize with them to fill in the gaps.

 It's like one person tapping Morse code while the other waits for smoke signals.

The real issue isn't whose style is "right." It's about maintaining emotional intimacy by creating a safe harbor where both approaches can exist without judgment. Maybe you've stopped sharing dreams about the future because your partner once seemed dismissive or avoided discussing fears to protect your well-being.

Time spent with your partner is one thing, but your relationship will bloom when discussing more than just logistics. Put away phones and let both hearts speak freely, exploring hopes for the future or insecurities about life's changes. Even a question like, "What's something you've been wanting to tell me?" can transform the time with your partner and transform distant individuals into an emotionally intimate team, strengthening the overall health of your relationship.

Building emotional intimacy is not about achieving perfection but about maintaining curiosity, overcoming fear, and reaching each other on a deeper level. When both partners feel secure enough to express their desires, empathize with each other's experiences, and show genuine affection, they create a more resilient partnership. Over time, these intentional moments can prevent feelings of loneliness, encourage open communication, and nurture a two-way street of trust and understanding. In doing so, they ensure that both partners remain intertwined in a shared story, forging stability, a deeper connection, and true emotional intimacy in their relationship.

Couples with Emotional Intimacy Develop Emotional Literacy

Sitting across from your partner either on your phone or in silence can reflect a lack of emotional intimacy, over time, it can leave you both feeling lonely.

In many romantic relationships, not the quick mentions of grocery lists or the practical details of daily life build emotional intimacy. These surface-level exchanges become empty chatter, lacking the deeper level of understanding needed to build emotional intimacy and maintain stable relationships. When couples can't connect, create emotional intimacy, or communicate honestly, needs remain unmet. Both people involved can feel lonely—even when they spend time together.

True emotional intimacy, and the emotional literacy it requires, is a two way street. It involves more than just acknowledging what you feel; it calls for mutual trust, empathy, and a willingness to engage in difficult conversations.

Instead of hiding behind "I think" statements, it means expressing "I feel" when fear, vulnerability, or other forms of emotional attachment arise. Only then can you move beyond practicalities into meaningful, open communication that honors both partners' emotional safety and well-being.

When you understand talking honestly about what you each feel, your insecurities, hopes, dreams, and desires create the foundation for a long-term relationship rooted in intimacy; it changes your relationship. By learning to communicate, listen, and validate each other's experiences, you develop the emotional support needed to build trust and foster happiness. In doing so, you nurture an environment where both emotional and sexual intimacy can flourish—because a genuine deeper emotional connection is built with the right kind of words.

When Conflict Is Unresolved, Emotional Connection Is Blocked

Emotional intimacy becomes challenging to nurture when conflict remains unresolved because lingering tensions and unmet needs create barriers to open communication.

When couples avoid addressing their disagreements, unspoken resentments accumulate, forming an emotional distance and leaving hurt feelings to fester.

Over time, the relationship may feel fragile, uncertain, or even emotionally unsafe and will undermine both partners' willingness to be honest about their inner world.

Learning how to resolve conflict effectively is essential for rebuilding and maintaining emotional intimacy. If couples tend to have explosive arguments and don't resolve and repair, it's impossible to feel close to someone.

In my work, I see that couples benefit from learning the skills to calmly discuss their inner world. I teach skills like active listening and help partners work together to find solutions to problems.

By developing these skills, both partners can address misunderstandings before they grow into larger problems. Over time, this approach helps foster mutual respect, establish healthier communication patterns, and create an environment where emotional closeness can thrive.

A Healthy Relationship Is Balanced But Not Always Equal.

We love the idea that a romantic relationship is equal. Still, the truth is, it can't be perfectly equal - one of you knows more, drives better, cooks fancier food, has a bigger social life, earns more, dresses with more style etc. Every relationship always has an imbalance of sorts, but do you know how your partner feels about those differences?

Are you the sort of person who can address these significant life differences and feel vulnerable in sharing any fears or inadequacies about these life discrepancies with your partner?

One of the things that can block intimacy in your relationship is when these discrepancies aren't discussed. You probably know couples in which one person is a lot older than the other, or in which one person earns more than the other. Emotional intimacy may or may not be a problem for them. I guarantee it's because they talk about them or feel they are in a relationship that can tolerate that discussion. They have a connection that handles their emotional truth.

Take The CARE and Intimacy Quiz, and sign up for our emails on how to build emotional intimacy as well as a beautiful PDF detailing your results and providing actionable steps.