Is My Marriage Over? The Quiz, The Science and the Solutions

Marriage is a complex partnership that requires ongoing effort and attention to maintain. While every relationship is unique and most need some improvement, research has identified several common factors that can erode marital satisfaction over time and ultimately lead to divorce.

Our short marriage quiz touches on these core factors and might help you determine the best course of action and tell you how much help and work is required on both of your parts to turn things around and start to feel good again.

Take our new C.A.R.E & Intimacy Quiz to find out what the blocks to getting more emotional intimacy in your relationship are and get the free PDF breakdown of your results emailed to you instantly. 

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Is My Relationship Over? A Marriage Quiz to Assess Your Relationship's Health

• Are you worried that your marriage may be in trouble, and don't know what to do about it?
• Do you find yourself questioning whether your relationship can survive your current situation?
• Do you think the challenges you're facing as a couple are too significant to overcome?

I've been a couples therapist for close to ten years and help answer people's questions like this about relationships all the time. If you are interested in marriage counseling, I absolutely recommend you try it, if you're in California, feel free to contact me, but many other counselors can help.

It's not uncommon for people in a marriage to seek therapy when they already know the answer to their questions about staying or leaving. Sometimes, one partner has already decided to leave, and they come to my office to break up.

Sometimes, one partner is uncertain if they are committed to working things out, and we have to respect that state of 'not knowing'. At the same time, we explore various dynamics within the marriage.

The couples counseling work I do in Los Angeles is often extremely challenging, absolutely rewarding, and honestly thrilling at other times. I love helping people feel good about their relationships and delight in helping a committed couple become more loving, to rediscover they are friends, not adversaries, and to decide to strive for happiness and a satisfied relationship.

It's common to have doubts and fears about your marriage, especially if you've been struggling with unresolved conflicts, emotional disconnection, or a growing sense of dissatisfaction. While every relationship is unique, there are some universal signs that a marriage is distressed and potentially headed towards ending things.

The "Is My Marriage Over?" quiz is designed to help you assess the current state of your relationship by looking at these common signs of distress. It asks you to answer a series of questions to identify areas where you may need to focus attention and work to get things back on track.

The 'Is My Marriage Over?' Quiz Results and What They Mean

Let's examine some of the key predictors of marital failure that show up in our quiz, and explore what answers mean for couples. 

Before you read on though, here are some couples therapy worksheets you might want to explore.

Unmet Emotional Needs In A Marriage

The first question in the quiz discusses unmet needs in a relationship, and you can read more about that in our other blog post. A significant aspect of a relationship that we don't seem to talk about much is our emotional needs in a relationship.

Feeling emotionally neglected by one's spouse is a significant contributor to marital dissatisfaction. When a partner's needs for affection, understanding, and support go unmet, resentment builds and the relationship suffers. Studies show that couples with higher levels of emotional intimacy report greater marital satisfaction overall[1], which is essential for a happy marriage.

The solution is for spouses to prioritize each other's emotional needs. Take time to really listen to and validate your partner's emotional reactions. Show affection through both words and actions. Building a culture of appreciation and emotional generosity can reignite positive feelings and connections.

The Most Important Issues Need Good Communication

How couples communicate, especially during conflict, is one of the most important predictors of marital success. Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman identified four negative communication styles, termed "The Four Horsemen," that spell disaster for marriages: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Contempt, which involves treating one's partner with disrespect, is the single most significant sign of trouble and a major predictor of divorce.

To break destructive communication patterns, each spouse must learn to express complaints and needs in a non-accusatory way, take responsibility for their role in conflicts, and practice emotional self-control.

Focusing on rebuilding fondness and admiration for each other is key to re-establishing a positive foundation. Additionally, finding a middle ground in resolving conflicts is crucial for meeting each other's needs and strengthening the marriage.

A Failing Marriage Often Lacks Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy involves a deep sense of closeness, acceptance, and being "seen" by one's partner, so it was a vital question to include in the quiz.

When intimacy is lacking, couples can start to feel more like roommates than soulmates. A lack of vulnerability and "turning towards" each other in daily interactions leads to disconnection over the years, and one partner will feel lonely or disconnected, occasionally looking for relief outside of the marriage.

Improving emotional intimacy requires each spouse to make a dedicated effort to share how they feel, show interest and empathy to the other person, and respond when your partner is showing signs that they are making a bid for connection.

Revealing what you hope for, your dreams, fears and insecurities in a safe context fosters a deeper bond. Expressing appreciation and cherishing your partner's positive qualities also generates intimacy. Despite current difficult situations, there is hope for improving emotional intimacy and rekindling the connection.

Frequent Arguments and Conflict Resolution Skills

While disagreement is typical, the amount and intensity of arguments can reveal deeper issues. Getting stuck in repetitive fights with your spouse that never get resolved wears down a relationship.

Underlying power struggles or attachment wounds that aren't addressed constructively will keep resurfacing, and this is a significant part of the family systems work I do.

Learning to fight fairly and work as a team to solve problems is essential.

This means bringing up issues gently, taking turns listening, showing respect, finding compromise, and repairing disputes quickly. Couples counseling is crucial in addressing these entrenched conflict cycles by providing professional guidance and support.

Reduced Enjoyment of Time Together

Sharing a fun, playful, engaging life filled with mutually enjoyable activities with one's spouse is like glue for the relationship. Our quiz asks you about this because research shows us that when couples stop trying to carve out quality time or discover new experiences to enjoy together, emotional distance can develop as they start living parallel lives.

A lack of quality dates can be a sign that a marriage is in trouble and that one partner does not feel close or connected to the other anymore.

Prioritizing regular date nights, trying new hobbies together, and finding ways to laugh and be silly as a couple are essential habits to sustain. Continuing to build a friendship based on shared meaning and moments is protective against drifting apart.

Thoughts of Leaving the Marriage

Fantasizing about leaving or wishing to be single again are red flags that the marriage is on shaky ground. While it's expected to occasionally feel frustrated with one's spouse, constantly dreaming of an escape signifies serious doubts about the relationship's future.

Daydreaming about leaving is essentially a way to break contact with your partner and the current issues you're having to spend more time in fantasy than working through the fear or problems that are coming up in your married life.

Dissatisfaction with Physical Intimacy

Let's talk about sex. While not the only ingredient, sex and physical connection is the unique "glue" of a romantic partnership. Lack of touch, affection, and satisfying sexual interactions can leave partners feeling rejected and unfulfilled. Mismatched libidos or sexual styles that don't get navigated sensitively can drive a wedge between couples.

As uncomfortable as it may be at first, talking openly about each person's intimacy needs and finding mutually agreeable ways to nurture physical connection is vital. Scheduling sex, exploring new forms of sensual touch, and re-establishing the habit of daily affectionate gestures can help revive this part of the relationship[1].

Lack of Support for Personal Goals Within A Marriage.

Feeling that one's spouse is disinterested in or dismissive of their hopes and dreams can be demoralizing. Marriages thrive when both people feel encouraged to grow and like they're building a meaningful life together. Lack of support for one another's aspirations breeds resentment over time[1].

Happy couples act as one another's biggest cheerleaders while also balancing individual and relationship needs. Expressing genuine interest in your partner's goals, celebrating their successes, making sacrifices to support their development, and continuing to dream together keeps the relationship alive and fulfilling for both parties[1].

While many factors can contribute to the erosion of a marriage, the good news is that most are addressable if the couple is willing to work together and get support when needed. By nurturing emotional and physical intimacy, improving communication, making time for connection and play, supporting one another's growth, and facing difficulties as a united team, spouses can beat the odds and build a deeply satisfying lifelong partnership.

What can couples do to build a healthy marriage?

While some risk factors are outside a couple's control, research suggests steps that may improve marital stability:

1. Nurture emotional intimacy—Make a dedicated effort to share feelings, show empathy, and respond to bids for connection. Express appreciation for your partner's positive qualities.

2. Improve communication skills—Learn to bring up issues gently, listen to understand, regulate emotions, find compromise, and repair quickly after conflicts. Consider emotionally focused therapy if needed.

3. Prioritize quality time—schedule regular date nights, discover engaging shared activities, and maintain a friendship with moments of fun and laughter.

4. Support each other's personal growth - Express interest in your partner's individual hopes and dreams. Make sacrifices to support their development and celebrate their successes.

5. Seek marital counseling - Many divorced people believe better preparation and a clearer understanding of marital commitments may have prevented their divorce. Premarital counseling can help align expectations if you're going to tie the knot with someone soon, and counseling in general may create a more healthy foundation. 

While a decision to file for divorce remains common, its likelihood can potentially be reduced if the two people both want to work on things to maintain or create a strong connection, communicate effectively, and support each other's growth within the marriage. Seeking help early when problems arise, rather than letting resentment fester, is also advisable.

A note on abusive behavior in relationships: abusive behavior, including intimidation and violence, is a severe issue that can erode marital satisfaction and requires immediate action. Often couples therapy is not the right course of action and is inappropriate until physical safety can be guaranteed.

Citations:

[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7856059/

[2] https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/