20 Emotional Manipulation Tactics The List You Need To Know

Emotional manipulation sounds like it’s something you see in a movie or hear about on a true-crime podcast. In my profession as a couples and family therapist with nearly a decade of experience, it’s actually far more common than you think, and the chances are you’ve been manipulated, or you also use these tactics whether you know it or not.

Before you read on, have you taken our CARE & Intimacy Quiz for Couples? One of the dynamics it assesses for is Equilibrium (that's the 'E' in CARE) it might indicate if there are unhealthy or toxic power struggles going on.

We can send you a beautiful 18 page report in a PDF which breaks down your results and gives you actionable steps in four key areas of relationship dynamics:

The important point I want to make in this post is that often people don’t know they are being emotionally manipulative; these are often bad habits we pick up from society, media, or our family of origin because we lack the tools and skills we need for healthy communication. Despite its prevalence and our lack of awareness, many people remain unaware of the subtle yet devastating effects of emotional manipulation.

Why Do We Need To Know About It?

Understanding and recognizing emotional manipulation is crucial for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships. When we can identify these manipulative behaviors, we empower ourselves to set boundaries, protect our emotional health, and foster more authentic connections. Knowledge is our first line of defense against emotional manipulation, enabling us to navigate our relationships with clarity and confidence. By shining a light on these tactics, we can break free from their grasp and cultivate interactions that are respectful, supportive, and genuinely nurturing.

What Is Emotional Manipulation?

Emotional manipulation is a form of influence exerted in which an emotional manipulator uses various tactics to affect the emotions, thoughts, or behaviors of another person, it can be done consciously or unconsciously. The goal of the person using emotional manipulation can range from achieving personal gain to seeking control over the other person to just calming an intense conversation down. Emotional manipulation is indirect communication and can disrupt healthy communication and trust in relationships, leading to feelings of anxiety, confusion, and self-doubt.

What Does Emotional Manipulation Look Like?

I’ve tried to compile an extensive list of tactics used by emotional manipulators to control and influence others, along with examples and the impact. Let me know if you think I’ve missed any in the comments below.

Guilt: The Original Manipulative Behavior.

• Guilt: A form of manipulation involving guilt
• Definition Designed to manipulate others by preying on their emotions and feelings of guilt or responsibility.
• Effect: Can detrimentally affect an individual’s well-being and relationships.
• Mechanism Utilized as a form of punishment for a perceived transgression, leading to manipulation.

Example: Saying “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” to make someone feel obligated.

A manipulative person often uses guilt to control and influence others. Guilt-tripping is like an emotional puppet show, where the guilt-tripper tries to pull your heartstrings to make you dance to their tune. It’s a sneaky way of getting what they want by making you feel crappy about yourself. They might sigh heavily and say things like, “After all I’ve done for you…” or “I guess my feelings don’t matter.” Just like a kid who says, “If you really loved me, you’d buy me that toy,” a guilt-tripper tries to manipulate you into doing what they want by playing on your emotions. Over time, this emotional arm-twisting can leave you feeling resentful, anxious, and unsure of yourself. It’s important to recognize when someone is trying to guilt-trip you and learn how to set boundaries, so you don’t get tangled up in their emotional strings.

Gaslighting: The Overused Word Of The Year

• Definition: Making someone question their reality or sanity.

• Effects: Leads to confusion, self-doubt, and psychological distress.

• Mechanism: Undermining the victim's perception of reality.

• Example: Telling someone they never said something that they clearly remember saying, making them doubt their memory.

Gaslighting is like someone playing tricks on your mind, making you doubt what's real and what's not. It's as if they're slowly dimming the lights in a room, and when you point it out, they say, "What are you talking about? The lights are just fine!" Over time, you start to question your own senses and memories. Gaslighters might lie to your face, deny things they've said even if you have proof, or twist your words around to confuse you. They chip away at your esteem and make you feel like you can't trust yourself anymore. It's a sneaky form of emotional abuse that can happen in relationships, families, and even at work.

The Silent Treatment: When Silence Is Aggressive.

• Definition: Refusing to communicate as a form of punishment.

• Effects: Creates anxiety and feelings of rejection.

• Mechanism: Withdrawing communication to exert control.Example: Ignoring someone's calls and messages for days after a minor disagreement.

• Example: Ignoring someone's calls and messages for days after a minor disagreement.

The silent treatment is like giving someone the cold shoulder, but instead of just being chilly, it's like they've built an ice wall between you. They refuse to talk, respond to messages, or even acknowledge your presence. It's as if you've suddenly become invisible to them. This emotional deep freeze can leave you feeling hurt, confused, and powerless. Just like a child holding their breath to get what they want, some people use the silent treatment to punish, control, or manipulate their partner into giving in. Over time, this icy behavior can chip away at your esteem and leave you walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next cold front will hit.

True story: in the last apartment I lived in, my neighbor refused to look at me or acknowledge my presence when I walked past her after I politely complained that she let her dog pee on my front doorstep!

Blame Shifting- Dodging Blame, Hurting Others in Emotional Abuse

• Definition: Shifting the blame to the victim to avoid responsibility.

• Effects: Causes confusion and self-blame in the victim.

• Mechanism: Redirecting responsibility to manipulate and control the narrative.

• Example: Accusing your partner of being too sensitive when they confront you about your hurtful behavior.

Guilt-tripping is a form of emotional manipulation where a manipulative person tries to make you feel guilty to get what they want. Such behavior can be subtle or overt and often involves statements like "After all I've done for you..." or "I guess my feelings don't matter." By playing on your emotions, the guilt-tripper seeks to influence your behavior to their advantage.

Over time, being subjected to guilt-tripping can leave you feeling resentful, anxious, and unsure of you own emotions. Recognizing when someone is trying to guilt-trip you is crucial. Setting boundaries can help you protect your emotional well-being and maintain healthier relationships.

Love Bombing - Seduction From A Narcissist

• Definition: Overwhelming someone with affection to gain control.

• Effects: Creates dependency and confusion, impacst mental health significantly.

• Mechanism: Using excessive affection to manipulate emotions.

• Example: Showering someone with gifts and compliments early in a relationship to win them over quickly.

Let me start off by saying that being love-bombed feels REALLY good…. at first. Do not feel guilty or ashamed if you’ve been love-bombed, who wouldn’t want to get all of those yummy loved up feelings we get when showered with affection? It may make sense to go speak to a mental health professional if you've been in a relationship you're concerned aboutl

Love bombing is a tactic used in an emotionally manipulative relationship by narcissistic and abusive individuals to quickly gain affection and control over a romantic partner. It’s not necessarily a negative thing or abusive behavior… yet what comes after may well be more detrimental.

It involves showering the victim with excessive attention, affection, and gifts early in the relationship to create a sense of intimacy and make them feel indebted and loved. Love bombers often idealize their partner at first, putting them on a pedestal. They may say “I love you” very quickly, want to spend all their time together, and share their most intimate feelings right away. This over-the-top affection can feel flattering and exciting, like a whirlwind romance.

However, what goes up, must come down and once love bombers feel they have secured their partner’s devotion, they are more likely to devalue you to create emotional distance. They may suddenly become cruel, controlling, and prone to angry outbursts. They devalue their partner through criticism and undermine their confidence. This push-pull dynamic keeps the victim confused and working harder to please their abuser.

Triangulation - When Two Become Three

• Definition: Involving a third party to create jealousy or competition.

• Effects: Generates rivalry and insecurity and a need to create boundaries.

• Mechanism: Using another person to manipulate emotions and gain control.

• Example: Mentioning how much attention you're getting from an ex to make your current partner jealous.

Triangulation is a manipulative behaviour tactic often seen in a manipulative relationship where someone brings a third person into a conflict to gain control, take sides with them or make the other person feel insecure. This often happens with family members and is a subject I bring up over the holidays when clients feel compelled to visit family.The manipulator may talk badly about one person to the other, or share information to make people jealous. In families, a parent might complain about the other parent to the child, forcing the child into the middle of the conflict. Triangulation creates an imbalance of power and can leave the triangulated person feeling used or confused. While not always intentional, this “splitting” strategy lets the manipulator avoid dealing directly with issues. Coping with triangulation involves recognizing the dynamic, staying focused on the facts, creating healthy boundaries, having a direct conversation and refusing to play into the manipulation.

Coercion - Emotional Or Physical Blackmail

• Definition: Coercion is the practice of compelling someone to act against their will by using threats, pressure, or intimidation to gaian the upper hand.

• Effects: Coercion can lead to feelings of fear, helplessness, loss of self confidence and resentment in the victim. It can damage trust and create a toxic environment in relationships, whether personal or professional. Long-term exposure to coercion can result in anxiety, depression, and diminished sense of self.

• Mechanism: Coercion operates by applying intense psychological or emotional pressure, which can include threats of harm, social or economic consequences, or other forms of intimidation. The goal is to force the victim to comply with the coercer’s demands, even if it goes against their wishes or best interests.

• Example: An employer threatening to fire an employee if they don’t work overtime without pay, despite the employee’s prior commitments and lack of consent.

Coercion is when manipulative people use of threats, intimidation, or force to compel someone to act against their will and can overlap with domestic violence. Abusers may threaten to leave the victim, take away their children, or subject them to violence if they don’t comply with the abuser’s demands. Coercion is used throughout the power and control wheel to maintain the abuser’s dominance, leading to outcomes like financial abuse, sexual assault, and psychological breakdown of the victim. In legal terms, coercion is often used interchangeably with duress to describe situations where someone was compelled to act due to unlawful threats or pressure. Proving coercion rests on the surrounding facts, but generally requires showing there was an immediate threat of serious harm, a reasonable fear it would be carried out, and no opportunity to escape. Seeking help from a mental health professional can be beneficial in dealing with coercion.

Playing the Victim: A Tactic of Emotional Manipulators

• Definition: Exaggerating one’s own suffering to gain sympathy.

• Effects: Manipulates others into feeling guilty or responsible.

• Mechanism: Exploiting sympathy to control behavior.

• Example: Saying “You don’t care about me at all” to make someone feel guilty for not meeting your demands. Emotional intelligence can be linked to manipulative behavior such as this, as individuals with lower emotional intelligence may lack the insight to be aware they're doing this.

Manipulative people who play the victim or martyr often sacrifice their own needs to please others, but then feel resentful and powerless as a result. Martyrs recognize their rights are being violated but choose to remain in the situation, seeking sympathy for their suffering. They frequently complain about how badly they are treated, yet seem unable to resolve the issues. In contrast, victims are often unaware their rights are being abused until later. Martyrs tend to knowingly enable situations where they will suffer, fulfilling a self-defeating prophecy. A martyr complex goes beyond a victim mentality - martyrs almost seem to pursue suffering and distress. Signs include doing things for others despite not feeling appreciated, trying to do too much, and feeling bitter about a lack of recognition for their sacrifices. Overcoming a martyr complex requires setting boundaries, putting one’s own needs first, and avoiding the urge to always rescue others. Playing the victim can lead to negative feelings such as guilt and frustration, making it essential to recognize and address this behavior.

Minimization: Downplaying Significance

• Definition: Downplaying or dismissing someone's feelings or experiences.

• Effects: Leads to feelings of invalidation.

• Mechanism: Making someone's emotions seem less important to control them.

• Example: Saying "You're overreacting" when someone expresses their hurt feelings.

Minimization is a type of deception where the significance of an event or emotion is downplayed, especially in situations where complete denial is implausible. It's closely related to gaslighting. Abusers and manipulators may use minimization to dismiss their misdemeanors when confronted with irrefutable facts, or to downplay the positive attributes and accomplishments of their victims. Minimization may also take the form of a cognitive distortion that avoids acknowledging and dealing with negative emotions by reducing the importance and impact of events that give rise to those emotions. Words associated with minimization include belittling, discounting, downplaying, and trivializing. Typical psychological defenses exhibited by guilty criminal suspects include denial, rationalization, minimization and projection of blame onto the victim.

Stonewalling: The Silent Response To Conflict

• Definition: Refusing to engage or respond in a conversation.

• Effects: Creates frustration and helplessness.

• Mechanism: Withdrawing communication to punish and control.

• Example: Walking away and refusing to speak during an argument.

Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate, often used as a control tactic in relationships but specifically around conflict or disagreements. It may involve avoiding eye contact, giving sparse responses, refusing to answer questions, or physically removing oneself from the situation. Over time, stonewalling can be detrimental to relationships, as it prevents conflict resolution and makes the stonewalled partner feel disrespected and powerless. While stonewalling may be unintentional, it can also be a deliberate form of emotional abuse used to punish or manipulate the other person or just to make them feel bad. Stonewalling is considered one of Gottman's "Four Horsemen" that predict divorce in married couples, along with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.

Denial: Refusing Responsibility

• Definition: Refusing to acknowledge one’s own actions or their impact.

• Effects: Causes confusion and frustration.

• Mechanism: Denying reality to avoid responsibility and manipulate perception.

• Example: Denying you said something hurtful, even when confronted with evidence.

Denial is a common tactic used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to maintain control over their victims. It involves refusing to acknowledge any wrongdoing, even in the face of clear evidence. Abusers may deny that the abuse occurred, claim it wasn’t that bad, or blame the victim for provoking it. This denial can take many forms, such as pretending to forget what happened, dismissing the victim’s feelings as an overreaction, or attacking the victim’s credibility. By denying reality, abusers gaslight their victims into doubting their own perceptions and experiences. Denial works in tandem with other manipulation tactics like minimization and victim-blaming to erode the victim’s confidence and make them feel responsible for the abuse. It is crucial to recognize emotional manipulation to protect oneself and address the behavior effectively.

Exaggeration: Overstating for Effect

• Definition: Blowing situations out of proportion to gain leverage.

• Effects: Creates unnecessary anxiety and pressure.

• Mechanism: Magnifying issues to manipulate emotions and reactions.

• Example: Claiming that a small mistake at work will cost the company millions to pressure a coworker.

Exaggeration is a rhetorical device or figure of speech that intentionally represents something as more extreme or dramatic than it really is. Politicians sometimes resort to exaggeration to bolster their position or to make their opponents look worse. Manipulators may use exaggeration as a tactic to make their victim feel guilty or to overstate the difficulty of a task in order to avoid doing it. While exaggeration can be used for emphasis or effect in literature and everyday speech, such as saying "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," it becomes manipulative when used to deceive or mislead someone. Exaggerations and overstatements in a relationship can make it difficult to trust what the other person is saying and can be a red flag for emotional abuse.

Shaming: The Public Humiliation Tactic

• Definition: Making someone feel inadequate or inferior.

• Effects: Undermines self-esteem and confidence.

• Mechanism: Using criticism to manipulate and control.

• Example: Saying "I can't believe you don't know how to do this" to make someone feel awfuk about their abilities.

Shaming is an aggressive act that involves publicly criticizing or drawing negative attention to someone, often on the internet, in order to humiliate or disgrace them. Shaming causes the victim to feel painful emotions stemming from feeling degraded or unworthy. While shaming can be used to enforce social norms or punish wrongdoing, it becomes emotionally abusive when used to control or demean someone. Shaming by an intimate partner is a sign of toxic or abusive behavior. Over time, being routinely shamed can severely undermine the victim's self-worth and make them feel increasingly dependent on the abuser's approval.

Playing Dumb for Advantage

• Definition: Pretending not to understand to avoid accountability.

• Effects: Creates frustration and helplessness.

• Mechanism: Feigning ignorance to escape responsibility and manipulate situations.

• Example: Acting confused about instructions to avoid doing an unwanted task.

Playing dumb is a manipulation tactic where someone pretends to be less intelligent or knowledgeable than they really are in order to avoid responsibility, gain an advantage, or make the other person underestimate them. The manipulator may ask overly simplistic questions, deny understanding obvious information, or act ignorant and confused. This can lead their target to reveal more information or doubt their own perceptions. Abusers sometimes play dumb when confronted about their actions, claiming they didn't realize what they did was hurtful as a way to avoid accountability. While playing dumb can be an effective strategy in certain situations, it becomes manipulative when used to deceive others or escape consequences.

Using Insecurities

• Definition: Exploiting someone's insecurities to manipulate them.

• Effects: Creates anxiety and dependency.

• Mechanism: Leveraging personal weaknesses to gain control.

• Example: Bringing up someone's past failures to make them feel unworthy.

People can emotionally manipulate others by exploiting insecurities to gain power and control in the relationship. They may hone in on sensitive topics like the person's appearance, intelligence, or past traumas to make them feel inadequate and dependent. For example, an abuser might compare their partner unfavorably to others, point out their flaws, or dismiss their accomplishments in order to chip away at their confidence. Over time, this emotional abuse can cause the victim to doubt themselves and believe they are lucky to have their abuser, despite the mistreatment. Exploiting insecurities allows the manipulator to deflect from their own behavior and keep the victim under their control.

Withholding: Information and Love

• Definition: Keeping affection or important information secret to maintain control.

• Effects: Creates confusion and dependency

• Mechanism: Manipulating access to information to control decisions and actions.

• Example: Not telling a team member about a meeting change to make them look unprepared.

Withholding is an emotionally manipulative tactic where an abuser purposely withholds money, affection, information, or other resources as a means of control or punishment. For example, a partner may refuse to provide financial support, leaving the victim dependent and unable to leave the relationship. Withholding can also involve an abuser giving their partner the cold shoulder by ignoring them for extended periods. Over time, this manipulative tactic undermines the victim's self-esteem and reinforces the abuser's power in the relationship. Withholding is a key element in the "power and control wheel" used to illustrate common abusive behaviors in domestic violence situations.

Deflection and Switchtracking

• Definition: Changing the subject to avoid accountability.

• Effects: Creates confusion and shifts focus.

• Mechanism: Redirecting attention to avoid responsibility and manipulate conversations.

• Example: Bringing up past mistakes of someone else when confronted about your own behavior.

Deflection and switchtracking are two related manipulation tactics that allow someone to avoid taking responsibility or to change the subject away from an uncomfortable topic. Deflection involves shifting blame, criticism or negative attention onto someone or something else to evade accountability. Switchtracking is a conversational pattern where one party seamlessly changes the topic or "switches tracks" to a different issue, often in response to feedback they don't want to hear. The switchtracked topic may be important too, but the abrupt shift means the original conversation gets derailed and both topics end up unresolved. Manipulators use deflection and switch tracking, consciously or unconsciously, to dodge difficult subjects and maintain control of the interaction.

Feigning Helplessness

• Definition: Pretending to be incapable to gain assistance or sympathy.

• Effects: Creates dependency and sympathy.

• Mechanism: Using perceived weakness to manipulate others into helping or taking control.

• Example: Acting like you don't know how to do a simple task so others will do it for you.

Feigning helplessness is a manipulative tactic where someone pretends to be incapable of doing something in order to avoid responsibility or to get others to do things for them. This learned helplessness is different from the genuine helplessness that can result from trauma or abuse. Manipulators may act incompetent at tasks, constantly ask for help, or claim they don't know how to do something in order to take advantage of others' kindness. Over time, this weaponized incompetence allows them to skirt their duties and make their partner feel obligated to pick up the slack. Signs of feigned helplessness include claiming to suddenly not know how to do basic tasks, making excuses, and conveniently failing to complete chores in a passive-aggressive manner.

Boundary Testing Techniques

• Definition: Pushing limits to see how much one can get away with.

• Effects: Creates anxiety and uncertainty.

• Mechanism: Constantly testing boundaries to establish control and manipulate behavior.

• Example: Ignoring someone's requests to see how far you can push them before they react.

Boundary testing is a form of emotional manipulation where an individual continuously pushes or violates someone else's personal limits and boundaries to see how much they can get away with. The manipulator intentionally ignores or challenges the established limits to gauge the other person's tolerance and flexibility.

Boundary testing is manipulative because it disregards the other person's comfort, autonomy, and well-being. By repeatedly pushing limits, the manipulator aims to gradually increase their control and influence over the victim. This behavior can undermine the victim's sense of security and self-worth, making it harder for them to assert their needs and protect their personal space.

Final Thoughts On Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation comes in many forms, ranging from the overt to the incredibly subtle. People manipulate others through various tactics, such as coercion, guilt-tripping, and passive-aggressive behavior. By understanding the common traits of manipulators and recognizing the subtle ways they twist facts or use superficial charm, you can better protect yourself from their influence.

Common examples of emotional manipulation include making someone feel guilty, playing the victim, and using coercion to get what they want. These behaviors can often leave the victim feeling uncomfortable, confused, and questioning what really happened. Even a trusted person can engage in manipulation, making it all the more important to stay vigilant.

If you frequently find yourself feel confused or feel uncomfortable in your interactions, it may be a sign that you are being manipulated. Remember, recognizing these tactics is the first step in protecting your emotional well-being and go at your own pace in moving forward. Setting boundaries and seeking support from others can help you maintain healthier and more authentic relationships. It's a big deal to acknowledge manipulation and take action, but doing so is crucial for your mental health and happiness. Don't hesitate to talk to someone you trust if you suspect manipulation in your relationships.