Building Relationships Quotes: A Therapist’s Top Five Questions To Ask Yourself About Relationships.

Relationships are a fundamental aspect of our lives, influencing our mental and emotional well-being. However, fostering healthy connections requires effort, understanding, and effective communication. As a therapist, I have seen firsthand the common pitfalls and misconceptions that can hinder healthy relationships from growing.

Here are five questions to ask yourself about relationship building that might help guide you to understand if you're creating a meaningful relationship. Just for fun, we've included some inspirational quotes that might resonate with you too. 

1. How Good Are The Apologies?

Apologizing doesn't always mean you're wrong and the other person is right. It means you value your relationship more than your ego." - Mark Matthews

Every couple will disagree, bicker, and fight from time to time. As human beings, we are far from perfect and may make mistakes and hurt people's feelings by accident. Either way, we need to learn how to apologize effectively. 

In my private practice, I explain that a good apology resolves conflict and goes a long way toward healing an emotional wound. Without this, the wound can fester and rot, increasing tension and heightening sensitivity between two people.

What this comes down to often is whether one partner wants to be right, or wants the relationship. 

Making an apology in a successful relationship involves several key components essential for it to be meaningful and effective.

Firstly, it is important to take responsibility for one's actions and acknowledge the hurt or harm caused to the other person. This shows empathy and understanding towards the other person's feelings.

Secondly, a sincere apology should include a genuine expression of remorse. This means conveying genuine sorrow for the pain or upset that was caused and showing a willingness to make amends. This can help to rebuild trust and repair the relationship.

Additionally, a good apology involves a commitment to change and improve in the future. This means taking proactive steps to prevent the same mistake from happening again and showing a genuine effort to learn from the experience.

When it comes to building relationships, when someone takes the initiative to apologize thoughtfully and sincerely, it shows that they value the relationship and are willing to make things right, which is what we want to see in our special person. 

2. Can You Show Your Real Self?

"Being able to be your true self is one of the strongest components of good mental health." - Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy, psychologist.

In our daily lives, we often wear masks or carry a persona out into the world, in part to protect ourselves from being judged or hurt by others and in part for practical reasons. You've likely had the experience of having an upsetting phone call or piece of bad news at work but have had to 'carry on' in work mode regardless. You put your work persona on to get through the day and do your job.

These masks can prevent us from fully expressing our thoughts, feelings, and desires in a genuine way - which is a good thing sometimes. Your work persona will hopefully prevent you from telling your boss exactly what you think of them because, in real life, we have bills to pay and need our jobs.

However, in healthy, quality relationships, we should feel safe and comfortable enough to let go of these masks and show our true selves to our partners. This happens slowly over time as we build relationships with our partners and get to know them.

When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in a loving relationship, it creates a space for emotional intimacy and trust to flourish. By opening up about our fears, insecurities, and past experiences, we invite our partners to see and understand us on a deeper level. This emotional transparency can strengthen the bond between partners and lead to a more authentic and fulfilling connection in a personal relationship. Without vulnerability, a relationship may lack depth and authenticity, ultimately hindering its potential for growth and longevity.

Vulnerability is a risk and we may have learned to consider it to be a human weakness depending on our backgrounds, so this can be a challenge for many.

3. Have You Both Done Your Personal Work?

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness." - Neale Donald Walsch, author

Human relationships are incredibly complicated, and I believe that we all have varying degrees of personal work to do to have lasting relationships with people we care about. 

Doing personal work in a relationship is essential for both individuals involved. It is important for each person to reflect on their own thoughts, beliefs, values, and behaviors to better understand themselves and address any issues that may be affecting the relationship.

Personal relationships require personal work - this can involve improving our self-awareness, self-reflection, and personal growth, all of which contribute to building a strong and healthy relationship. This doesn't necessarily mean being in therapy, but I'm biased and think it's a very efficient way of preparing for an adult relationship.

By taking the time to work on ourselves individually, we can then come together with our partner as a whole, complete individuals ready to share our lives with each other.

4. Can you let your freak flag fly?

"Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone - and finding that that's ok with them." - Alain de Botton, philosopher and author

The comfort of routines can be like termites of relationships that unintentionally lull a relationship into a predictable rhythm, and that can lead to bad times in a relationship. While familiarity is part of human life that brings ease, it can also extinguish the spark of excitement. The key to keeping the flame alive lies in erotic imagination, that playful dance of sensuality and adventure in our minds.

Erotic imagination isn't limited to the bedroom. It's about injecting a sense of discovery and creativity back into your connection, even within your daily routines. Sharing your erotic fantasies with your partner is a powerful way to tap into this energy, but you have to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and share this.

Talking openly about your desires and what ignites your passion allows your partner to see you in a new light. It creates opportunities to explore those desires together. This exploration can take many forms, from a playful roleplaying scenario to a weekend getaway planned around a shared fantasy.

This vulnerability and open communication strengthen the emotional bond and deepen relationships with people we care about.. By letting your partner into your inner world of desires, you create a space for deeper intimacy and a more playful, adventurous dynamic in your relationship.

5. Can you talk about anger without acting on it?

Explain your anger instead of expressing it, and you will open the door to solutions instead of arguments." - Inspired by Ruth Ghatourey

Anger is a natural human emotion, but it can be destructive if not managed properly. Many people struggle to talk about their anger because they have been told that anger is 'bad' and we 'shouldn't' express it. My thoughts on this are quite clear - anger is a feeling that should be expressed in healthy ways - which means using our words. There's absolutely nothing wrong in saying "I am angry with you because you said you'd be home on time and you were an hour late".

Anger as a feeling, and the behaviors or actions that we sometimes take when we are angry, are very separate things, and granted, some of the actions people take when angry are intimidating and scary, and unnecessary unless you're under the age of seven. Adults and emotionally mature people should be able to talk about their feelings of anger without acting out on them. Acting out is what people under the age of 7 do, but they get a pass from me because they're still learning what their feelings are about. 

It is important for individuals in a relationship to be able to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings, including anger. By discussing their emotions calmly and rationally, partners can work together to resolve conflicts and find solutions that benefit both parties.

Avoiding discussions about anger only allows negative feelings to fester and grow stronger over time, if it's not expressed directly, anger becomes passive and we tend to be passive aggressive and hostile without even knowing it.