5 Easy Ways to Improve Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship

Have you ever had an experience where you're sitting across from your partner at dinner, and despite being able to see them, hear them, and even reach out and touch them, you feel miles apart? That feeling of disconnection often signals a lack of emotional intimacy – an area I'm passionate about helping couples improve.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, I frequently work with couples who tell me they love their partner but aren't "in love" anymore. Some couples express that their relationship has transformed from passionate highs to feeling like mere roommates. The good news is that there are practical ways to rebuild that connection.

Take our new C.A.R.E. & Intimacy Quiz to find out if you're relationship is ready to take emotional intimacy to the next level. 

Understanding Differentiation of Self

Before diving into the techniques, it's important to understand the concept of differentiation of self – a cornerstone of family systems therapy. At its core, differentiation of self is about maintaining your individual identity while being in a relationship. It involves separating your thoughts, feelings, and sense of self from others.

In a healthy relationship, two differentiated people can maintain their individual identities while being close and connected. When this differentiation is lacking, boundaries become porous, and chronic anxiety can be shared between partners.

The Five Techniques for Building Emotional Intimacy

 "Drop In" – Connect with Deeper Emotions

Many couples excel at sharing thoughts but struggle with expressing feelings. For instance, saying "I thought the last episode of Bridgerton was great" is different from "I was moved by last night's episode of Bridgerton; it left me feeling hopeful and nostalgic."

Watch out for phrases like "I feel like" or "I feel that" – these usually mask thoughts rather than express genuine feelings. True feelings statements use actual emotion words: "I feel lonely" instead of "I feel like I'm always alone."

2. "Tune In" – Practice Active Listening

Active listening means giving your partner the gift of being understood. Instead of listening to formulate your response, listen to learn and understand. This doesn't have to be complex – sometimes it's as simple as acknowledging your partner's feelings with "I hear that you're sad" or asking "Help me understand what's making you sad."

3. "Check In" – Reflect What You Hear

After listening, verify your understanding by reflecting back what you heard. For example:
- Partner A: "I feel overwhelmed and exhausted when I come home and have to do the dishes."
- Partner B: "So you're feeling tired and overwhelmed at the end of the day when there's a mess in the kitchen – is that right?"

This verification process ensures accurate understanding and creates space for clarification if needed.

4. "Move In" – Speak from the "I" Position

Avoid using "we" statements when expressing feelings or attitudes. Instead of saying "We had such a great weekend," try expressing your personal experience: "I really enjoyed our weekend together." This allows space for different perspectives and experiences within the relationship.

Direct communication is also crucial. Rather than saying "We should go on a date this week," try "I'd like to plan a date with you this week. When are you free?"

5. "Dig In" – Look Beneath the Anger

When expressing difficult emotions, particularly anger, try to dig deeper to understand what's beneath the surface. Instead of saying "I'm angry about the dishes in the sink," consider what's driving that anger: "I feel overwhelmed and alone when I come home to a messy kitchen."

6. "Shift In" – Choose Words That Connect

Be mindful of words that might contain hidden accusations. For instance:
- Instead of "betrayed," try "hurt"
- Instead of "abandoned," try "lonely"
- Instead of "deprioritized," try "unimportant"

These subtle shifts in language can make your communication more effective while maintaining the emotional truth of your experience.

Building emotional intimacy isn't about grand gestures – it's about these small, intentional changes in how we communicate with our partners. By implementing these techniques, you can create a stronger, more connected relationship where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued.

Remember, the goal isn't perfect communication, but rather creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves authentically while maintaining their individual identities.