The Relationship Repair Wheel - Conflict Resolution for Couples:

Relationships, especially marital ones, are complex and multifaceted. They are the bedrock of our lives, providing emotional sustenance and a sense of belonging. However, like any other aspect of life, they are not devoid of conflicts. The key to a thriving relationship isn't the absence of conflicts but the ability to navigate through them effectively. Enter the Relationship Repair Wheel, a tool that we use in therapy and counseling that can guide couples through the maze of misunderstandings and disagreements.Find the PDF to this awesome relationship skill below.

 Before you go on... some more reading ideas:

• Do you know your relationship conflict style? take our quiz here
• Looking to rekindle a connection, find our weekly relationship check in questions here
• Why Do Couples Fight?

Understanding Conflict

Contrary to common belief, conflicts in relationships are not always negative. In fact, when handled properly, conflicts can have a positive impact. Gottman emphasizes that it's not the existence of conflict that matters, but rather how couples navigate and manage it. His research suggests that effective conflict management is even more important than simply resolving conflicts. This is because conflicts can actually create opportunities for vulnerability and emotional intimacy, which are essential for building a strong and healthy relationship.

Why is it so important for couples to repair properly after a Relationship Rupture?

Properly repairing a relationship after a rupture is crucial for couples because it allows them to restore trust, rebuild emotional connection, and strengthen their bond. John Gottman, another relationship expert, emphasizes the importance of repairing after an argument. He likens it to taking care of one's physical health, suggesting that the longer a conflict remains unresolved, the deeper the emotional wounds. By addressing and resolving the issues that caused the rupture, couples can prevent further damage and create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. Repairing a relationship also helps individuals feel heard, validated, and understood, which promotes a sense of emotional safety and security within the partnership.

What Happens When Conflict is Not Resolved In A Relationship?

When things go unresolved in a relationship, it's like a small crack that grows over time, threatening the foundation of the partnership. This category of relationship issues is so important to understand.

The Rise of Resentment: Letting conflicts fester often leads to a buildup of resentment and anger. This not only creates a tense atmosphere but also strains the positive bond between partners, which over time can be a significant problem.

Talking Less, Misunderstanding More: Avoiding those tough conversations? It might seem easier in the short term, but over time, it leads to a communication gap. Partners might start to emotionally withdraw, making open conversations even harder.

Trust Starts to Wobble: Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. But when conflicts go unresolved, that trust can start to waver. Feeling unheard or dismissed can really chip away at the trust between partners.

Growing Apart: Over time, unresolved issues can push partners apart emotionally. This can lead to a chilling effect, where the warmth and intimacy once shared starts to fade, leaving feelings of loneliness in its wake.

The Same Old Issues: Ever noticed how old issues come back in new arguments? That's what happens when conflicts aren't truly resolved. It becomes a cycle, making it even harder to find solutions in the future.

The Joy Starts to Fade: When the relationship is more about disagreements and unresolved issues, the overall happiness and satisfaction take a hit. It's hard to find joy when conflicts become the norm.

The Five Stages Of Conflict:

If couples can recognize and understand the stages in this model of conflict, they can get a better sense of whether their relationship is on track to repair or and navigate conflicts and work towards resolution and a deeper connection.

1. Heated Conversation

During the first stage of conflict, emotions run high and tensions escalate. Partners engage in intense and potentially confrontational communication. This stage is marked by a back-and-forth exchange of differing viewpoints, where each person may try to assert their perspective or defend their position.

2. Ruptures / Blow-Ups

In the second stage, conflicts escalate to a point where they reach a breaking point. This can include arguments, raised voices, or even physical or emotional outbursts. The rupture stage is characterized by a loss of control and an inability to effectively communicate or understand each other's perspectives.

3. Cool Down

After the rupture, the third stage involves a period of cooling down. During this stage, individuals step back from the intense emotions and attempts at communication become less heated. Partners may retreat to separate spaces or take time to process their emotions before attempting to address the conflict again.

4. Repair

The fourth stage, repair, is where couples actively work towards resolving the conflict and rebuilding their connection. This stage involves open communication, feedback active listening, and a specific willingness to take responsibility for one's actions or words. Partners may engage in dialogue, apologize, and express empathy to mend the emotional wounds caused by the conflict.

5. Intimacy

The final stage of conflict is when couples experience a restoration of intimacy and emotional closeness. Through effective repair, trust is rebuilt, and partners feel emotionaly connected. This stage involves a renewed sense of understanding, empathy, and a shared commitment to the health and well-being of the relationship.

What Is The Relationship Repair Wheel?

This is a series of steps couples should take, in order in the REPAIR stage of the conflict cycle, particularly this comes after both parties have cooled down.

Keep this part short and sweetm, our attention span for paying attention to a partner who is upset is only four sentences long, so keep these statements as brief as possible

Make sure your partner is ready to listen and talk before you use any of these strategies, to ensure that the conversation is productive and there is a flow to it.

FACTS: Start by laying out the facts of a particular situation without pointing fingers. Let's say a partner forgot to pay a bill on time. The observation might be, “You said you would feed the dog, and when I got home, I noticed you hadn't."

THOUGHTS: Dive into your personal take on the event. This is where you open up about your perspective. For this example, one could express, “The story I'm making up is that you deliberately did this to hurt my feelings, and I'm trying not to take this personally"

FEELINGS: Share your genuine feelings, steering clear of blame. Rather than just stating, “I'm frustrated,” dig deeper to convey emotions like anxiety or concern. I suggest going with the emotion we are experiencing underneath anger which is often the first feeling and going to the next.

“I felt sad for the dog, who was absolutely starving, and disrespected, you know how important it is to me that he gets breakfast"

NEEDS: This is where you express your needs moving forward. Using our scenario, one might suggest, "Can we work together to come up with a system that lets each of us know if we've fed the dog or not?"

Get your copy of the Relationship Repair Wheel PDF here