Is Constant Arguing In A Relationship A Sign That It's Over?

Help! Is It Normal To Be Arguing Constantly In A Relationship?

I'm certain that every relationship expert will agree that it is normal to have different opinions from your partner, which can turn into arguments or fighting from time to time.

However, if you're reading this, I suspect you might worry that fighting all the time is bad or that these negative cycles are out of control.

Regardless, I'm sure you just want to stop arguing.

Whether you're new to your relationship or have been set in one for years, this post aims to provide you with insights and guidance and hopefully give you some peace of mind or some new skills to try to bring some positive moments back into your partnership.

In particular, if you're getting sick of constant bickering, I want to give you the SHARP framework that helps couples understand the nature of relationship arguments - or what is it that you are really fighting about instead.

Before we get into that and more relationship advice - here are some very practical things you can do right now:

1. Do you know your conflict style in relationships?
   Knowing your conflict style means knowing the tendencies or patterns you tend to exhibit in a fight with your partner. When you're more aware of your patterns, you have more of a chance to change the way you interact, understand the things you might be doing wrong, and to break cycles of negative interaction or perhaps prevent a negative cycle from taking hold.

2. Would you benefit from some free couples therapy worksheets?
   These contain 50 or so pages of common themes that cause arguments in relationships and issues I can identify in a couple struggling with communication that you can do together or solo.

3. Do you want to know more about Anger? The Anger Iceberg PDF and Anger Worksheets are here.

Sometimes knowing the cause of your anger that comes up when fighting, and the ways to deal with frustration can always be a step towards a healthy relationship dynamic. Unlike most emotions, anger does have a right and a wrong way of expression.

Relationship Advice From A Couples Counselor

I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist with nearly ten years of providing professional help to couples with significant issues and unhealthy patterns of overreacting and other relationship-destructive behaviors. Emotions can run high in some couples sessions and it takes some skill to learn to listen to what the underlying issue might be.

My biggest relationship tips:

• A successful relationship thrives on responsibility and becomes even greater with accountability
  It takes a strong person to take responsibility for their mistakes in relationships and say so. It takes an even stronger person to be open to accountability from their partner for a current problem.
  Grown-ups name it when they've done something wrong and aren't afraid to communicate their flaws, past mistakes, or errors to their significant other.
• There's no rational conversation occurring when anger is still stirring.
  Trying to communicate in an argument while overly flooded with hurt or anger is a critical error. Neuroscience shows that the rational parts of our brain literally go offline when we are too upset.
  We literally can't listen to our partner, much less imagine any positive solutions or compromise, when our feelings are running the show. Talking after you've both cooled down and are both in the down cycle is one of those small things that can make a big difference. It builds respect over time and leads to more stability when you do disagree.
• "Being right is a cheap win, it only costs you your relationship." I get that in the moment, when we are hurt and our emotions are running high, it's easy to want to immediately say something to make the other person feel small or point out their flaws in an effort to 'win'. But focusing on this creates a one-up, one-down strategy and is not healthy or helpful in the long run.
• Stop making your partner be the problem, and make the problem the problem. One of the important things you can do is to get out of the dreaded 'Blame Game', a pattern in which we dodge responsibility and accountability and blame something else on our partner. Identify what the problem is, and find solutions - the SHARP Framework below is a good way to help with that. 

How Often Do People Fight In A Healthy Relationship?

A survey of 1,000 Americans in a “serious relationship” was conducted in May 2022 by YouGov.Org and asked questions to the effect of 'How often do you and your partner argue?'

• Only 30 out of the 1000 couples reported never arguing, which might sound healthy, but in my experience, it's fairly unusual, and I'd suspect there to be some unhealthy dynamic that was not being expressed.
• 30% of the couples reported constantly arguing on a weekly basis,
• 28% said they think they argue once a month.

It seems to me that nearly two-thirds of couples have an argument somewhere between once a week and once a month, and that might be 'normal'.

What Do People Usually Fight About In Relationships?

Repeated arguments, and going over the same issues can feel like there's constant fighting, and this can lead to frustration and resentment if not properly addressed with couples counseling.

A study conducted by Amie Gordon with 100 cohabiting couples in long-term relationships delved into common reasons why an argument is triggered. Couples were asked to rate 15 potential relationship topics based on their own experiences, painting a broad picture of common causes of couple fights and deeper issues. The findings were illuminating.

Conflict was present across all topics, yet different perspectives on

• family dynamics,
• religious matters,
• finances had higher disagreement rates.

In another study, the top three contentious areas were

• communication styles,
• conventionality (appropriate behavior),
• sexual matters, sexual need
• chores

Another study found that money was found to be the number one important topics married couples argue about, with 86% of couples who got married in the last five years starting out in in difficult times with debt. It was also found that the higher a couple's debt burden, the more likely they were to argue about money.

Understanding Conflict in Relationships

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. It's natural for two people, often from very different backgrounds, to have differing opinions, thoughts, and beliefs. These differences can lead to disagreements, which, if not handled properly, can escalate into an argument.

However, it's important to understand that an argument is not inherently bad. It’s a sign that two individuals are actively engaging with each other and their relationship. The key is not to eliminate arguments entirely but to manage them more effectively.

Every individual brings their own unique experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal beliefs into a relationship. These differences can enrich the relationship but can also be a source of friction. When partners fail to recognize and respect these differences, disagreements can quickly turn into conflicts.

Negative feelings from unresolved relationship arguments have a terribly detrimental effects on the quality of a connection, leading to emotional walls being built up, a lack of sex. and emotional intimacy eroding.

A Framework For A Repeated Argument: The SHARP Framework

I've developed the SHARP framework to help couples manage and resolve conflicts. This five-part approach can eliminate about 60% of disagreements and, more importantly, prevent disagreements from turning into destructive conflicts.

Brief Explanation of SHARP:

• S - Schedule: Conflicts about tasks and responsibilities.
• H - How: Disagreements about methods and processes.
• A - Authority: Power dynamics and roles within the relationship.
• R - Restlessness: Underlying anxieties and uncertainties.
• P - Personal: Escalation to personal attacks and character assaults.

Understanding these categories helps in identifying the true root of conflicts, making it easier to address them constructively.

S - Schedule Arguments

Definition and Examples of Schedule-Related Conflicts

Schedule-related conflicts arise from disagreements about specific tasks or responsibilities. These are often the simplest conflicts but can quickly escalate if not managed well.

Common Scenarios:

• "It was your turn to pick up the kids from school."
• "You said you would do the dishes tonight."

Strategies to Avoid Scheduling Conflicts and Improve Clarity:

1. <