Bowen's Not Boring! Bowen Family Systems Theory & The 8 Concepts

The Role of Thoughts and Feelings in Relationships In Human Relationship Systems

Bowen believed that excessive focus on feelings could hinder mature decision-making. While feelings are a vital source of information, they need to be balanced with thoughts. Too much emotion can lead to irrational behavior, while too much thinking can feel dry and disconnected. A healthy relationship requires a balance of both.

I work with a lot of men, and find it to be quite common that men have a particularly hard time talking about feelings, naming them and expressing them. Every time I ask someone what they're feeling, or hand them a feelings wheel, I know I'm doing a small part in helping them differentiate their thoughts and feelings.

Self and Other: Understanding Their Balance in Relationships

In the Bowen theory of Family Systems the concepts of self and other are fundamental to understanding how we interact within our relationships. Let's delve into how these elements play out and why maintaining a healthy balance between them is crucial.

The Concept of Self

The self is our internal sense of who we are. It encompasses our personal history, our likes and dislikes, our values, and our goals. This internal representation of self helps us navigate the world, make decisions, and relate to others.

The Concept of Other

Just as we have an internal sense of self, we also carry internal representations of other people, especially those close to us, like family members and significant others. These internal representations influence how we think about and interact with these individuals, even when they are not physically present.

The Balance of Self and Other in Relationships

In a healthy relationship, the representations of self and other are balanced and distinct. Each person maintains a strong sense of their own identity while also valuing and understanding the identity of the other person. This balance allows for mutual respect, empathy, and effective communication.

When there is an overemphasis on self, a person may become self-centered and neglect the needs and feelings of others. This can lead to a lack of empathy, poor communication, and ultimately, an unsatisfying relationship. Imagine being in a relationship where one partner always prioritizes their own needs and rarely considers the other person. This imbalance creates tension and disconnection.

Conversely, an overemphasis on other can lead to people-pleasing behaviors where an individual sacrifices their own needs and desires to please the other person. This often results in resentment, burnout, and a loss of personal identity. Picture someone who constantly puts their partner's needs above their own, leading to a lack of self-care and personal fulfillment.

A common issue in relationships is the merging of self and other, where one person cannot distinguish where they end, and the other begins. This merging creates a situation where individuals may worry excessively on behalf of their partner or take on their partner's stress and anxiety. This lack of boundaries can lead to enmeshment, where both partners lose their individual identities and become overly dependent on eac

Chronic Anxiety: The Underlying Factor in Bowen Theory

Chronic anxiety is a persistent state of tension that influences all aspects of Bowen theory. Unlike acute anxiety, which is a short-lived response to immediate stress, chronic anxiety is a long-term, background state that can affect mental and physical health. When we become more differentiated, we have less of this chronic anxiety and tend to live lives that are more responsive, more fulfilling, and more satisfying.

Understanding Symptoms Using Bowen's Family Systems Theory

If having all this chronic anxiety isn't bad enough, to make things even worse, our levels of chronic anxiety can be filled up even higher when we go through stressful life events.

So starting a new job, moving home, and getting married are all things that Bowen Theorists call 'nodal events,' and they add more chronic anxiety into the mix.

What's important to note here is that we've only got the capacity for a certain amount of chronic anxiety- how much, we don't know, but at some point, we hit 'full', and this anxiety overflows. That's when we start seeing symptoms ranging from depression, anxiety, bipolar, acting out, affairs.

All of the things you see in your practice as a therapist are due to, at least, in regards to Bowen family systems theory, caused by too much chronic anxiety. 

The solution is always going to be to improve levels of differentiation by helping clients or family members with self differentiation and separating out Thoughts, Feelings, Self, and Others.

The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory and Family Systems.

Now that you have all the building blocks of Bowen Family Systems Theory we can finally get into the eight interlocking concepts that Bowen is famous for.

Differentiation Of Self and Family Systems Theory.

When we put everything together so far, you have an excellent understanding of what makes up the process of self differentiation in Bowen's theory of a family system.

Nuclear Family Emotional Process

The nuclear family emotional process describes the patterns of emotional functioning in a family unit that comes when two people with lower levels of differentiation are in a relationship. In my overly creative way of describing this, I see the porous boundaries around a person allowing two people to overlap, and as a result they share all the chronic anxiety.

When you enter a relationship, what was once just your own levels of chronic anxiety is now doubled because your anxiety gets pooled and shared with your partner, this is now what bowen called an emotional unit.

Bowen and his systems theory identified four primary relationship patterns of behavior that an emotional unit can handle chronic anxiety, which he called the nuclear family emotional process.

The behaviors are a direct result of the combined pool of chronic anxiety in a family system, and the nuclear family emotional process describes the patterns of emotional functioning in a family unit. Bowen identified several patterns that play out in family relationships.

To remember these patterns, I use the acronym FORC, which stands for:

• Fight: Relationship conflict serves as a way to manage chronic anxiety temporarily but usually exacerbates it in the long run.

• Over-functioning and Under-functioning: or Dysfunction In One Spouse. One partner may take on of the shared chronic anxiety and over-function, while the other takes on less and under-functions. This dynamic creates an imbalance, where the over-functioning partner does more, gets things done and is the 'go-getter', leaving the other under-functioning parter to feel incompetent or dependent.

• Relationship Triangles: When anxiety between two people becomes too intense, a third person or object is brought in to alleviate the tension. This can manifest as venting to a friend about a partner or focusing on work to avoid relationship issues. Triangles complicate relationships and often prevent direct resolution of the underlying problems.

• Cut-off: Emotional cutoff or emotional distance occurs when individuals cope with chronic anxiety by emotionally withdrawing or physically distancing themselves from others. This can lead to isolation and a lack of genuine connection, perpetuating unresolved issues.

F is for Fighting... Conflict and The Nuclear Family Emotional System

Conflict in relationships often arises from low differentiation and the resulting amounts of chronic anxiety.

• Changing the Other: One of the things that triggers more anxiety is the realization that we are different from our partners. If we're different then there's more chances of disagreements, and disagrreements could cause marital conflict, or worse, end the relationship.

• The desire to change a partner to align more closely with one's own thoughts, beliefs, and values comes from a desire to lower conflict. However this approach is problematic because it disregards the individuality of the partner and often leads to resistance and pushback, and actually starts conflict.

• Temporary Relief: Individuals might feel some temporary relief from too much emotional contact that is present in undifferentiated relationships. After an argument or confrontation there's often a tendency for more emotional distance while both parties calm down. This is a relief, albeit a temporary one, but it can set a couple up for a repeating cycle of closeness and distance that's regulated by arguments.

• The Blame and Criticism: Partners may blame each other for their own discomfort, leading to a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, it's a function of having mushed up or unclear 'Self' and 'Other' as neither party is able to be accountable and responsible for their behaviors. It can impact mental health and relationship satisfaction over time unless a couple enters family therapy.

O is for Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning

In relationships, over-functioning and under-functioning are dynamics that emerge when one partner absorbs more chronic anxiety while the other absorbs less. This imbalance happens unconsciously as a way to manage stress within the relationship. The over-functioning partner takes on more anxiety, which can manifest as worrying more, talking more, and doing more. This leaves the under-functioning partner with less anxiety but also less drive to do all the things the other partner is doing. This often looks like mental health issues or perhaps one partner being unemployed while the other supports the other person's functioning, or lack thereof.

Over-Functioner 

• Appears highly functioning and productive
• may experience periodic burnout or sudden illness
• Likes to give advice to others, feeling responsible for their well-being
• Prioritizes the other person's needs over their own
• Performs the majority of tasks/responsibilities in the relationship (financial, social, emotional
• Has more responsibility and control in the relationship

Under-Functioner 

• Takes little or no responsibility for anything in the relationship
• May adopt a passive role, believing the other partner will take care of problems
• Quickly seeks advice/help even when capable of acting independently
• Exhibits learned helplessness patterns
• Lacks goals or struggles to follow through on goals due to lack of confidence/skills
• May act irresponsibly, become ill frequently, or develop addictions (the "symptom carrier") 

C is for CutOff (... Emotional Cut-Off

The chronic anxiety in an emotional unit is unconscious but also present in all relationships and explains a lot of family dynamics and human behavior. In particular it's common to find one family member in a genogram be labeled the 'black sheep' or to find that one family member doesn't talk to another. This is emotional cutoff.

Variations of emotional cutoff include putting geographic distance between people, calling less, and even keeping things at a surface level when talking to family members. A family emotional system is sensitive to chronic anxiety and for some people, cut-off is much easier to deal with than conflict or conversations - remember that emotional conversations require a separation of thoughts feelings self and other.

R is for Relationship Triangles

A relationship triangle starts with two people who need to find ways to mitigate their unresolved emotional issues in a way and/or chronic anxiety by involving a third person. This could be someone in the extended family, but could also be a friend or colleague. Tension and conflict between two individuals can seem to be diffused by involving a third person to vent with or gossip with, but healthier relationships always use direct conversation.

Triangles can manifest as:

• Venting to a Third Party: One partner vents about their relationship issues to a friend or family member, rather than addressing them directly with their partner.

• Distraction: Focusing on a third person or activity (like work) to avoid dealing with relationship problems.

• Alliance Formation: Forming alliances within the family to manage conflict, often leading to further complications.

Triangles are a common way to manage anxiety but can create additional stress and complexity within relationships and individual family members who are on the outside of a triangle.

Family Projection Process

I deliberately changed the order of F.O.R.C because the family projection process has some similarities with Triangles and it makes sense to explain it right after.

The family projection process describes how in the nuclear family, parents transmit their emotional problems to their children and is a way of thinking about how family members interact in a family system. This is actually the essense of a family system and realizing that anxiety can spread between and through family members is a key conecpt in Bowen Theory and goes a long way to understand family dynamics.

The family projection process is a way of managing anxiety in a family unit specifically between romantic partners, theithat comes from too much emotional contact while having lower levels of differentation is to focus on a problem in their child.

• Anxious Focus: Parents may anxiously focus on one child, projecting their own unresolved issues onto them.

• Increased Vigilance: Overly controlling or scrutinizing the child's behavior, leading to increased anxiety and often behavioral problems in the child.

• Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: The emotional process is completed when the child internalizes the parents' anxieties and behaves in ways that reinforce the parents' concern. The behavioral symptoms or even physical illness symptoms present as the clinical problems we see in family therapy.

• Systems thinking though will help you understand that the entire family needs more conscious awareness of what's going on, that they're part of a living system that needs more support.

The family projection process can significantly impact a child's development and perpetuate patterns of dysfunction to future generations, which leads us to the multigenerational transmission process.

Multigenerational Transmission Process

The multigenerational transmission process accounts for how some of the emotional patterns and anxieties observed in one generation are transmitted to to the next, perpetuating certain dynamics across multiple generations. This process is more than just the direct teaching of behaviors or values; it involves the subtle and often unconscious transmission of emotional responses and coping mechanisms through down several generations through the family projection process.

For instance, a grandparent who experienced significant trauma in World War II would have had certain behaviors in their parenting - perhaps an explosive temper, or an anxious focus on their chil. These impact the child's personality and their future parenting ckilsl without explicitly discussing their experiences. This child, now a parent, may unconsciously reenact these behaviors and anxieties in their interactions with their own children. The child learns not only through direct interactions but also through observing how their parent handles stress, relationships, and emotions.

As these patterns are transmitted, they shape each generation's approach to relationships and emotional regulation. This is where a family diagram that can map emotional systems come in handy and where the use of the genorgram to spot how one or more members interact with each other in a relationship system is so useful.

Sibling Position

Sibling position is a concept within Bowen Theory that explores how the order of birth and the roles children assume in their families can influence their personalities and behaviors. I don't believe I've read any definitive research that confirms such bold statements that were initially believed such as 'the eldest children have lower levels of divorce' or 'the eldest child marrying younger siblings is less predictive of divorce. It's been a while, but my research on sibling positions has yielded mixed results.

Sibling position and systems theory does work for me when I think about each sibling experiencing the same parents entirely differently. Parents and family members adjust and change their approach to care-giving as one or more children are born and brought into the emotional system.

Imagine one family's story: the first child in a family often receives a great deal of attention and anxiety from new parents who are navigating the challenges of raising a child for the first time. This heightened focus can lead to the first-born child being more responsible and achievement-oriented, as they are often treated as the "trial run" for parenting strategies. Parents may celebrate every milestonewhich can shape the child's personality to be more conscientious and driven. In this regard the sibling position likely has a significant impact

By the time the second child arrives, parents may have gained more confidence and experience, reducing their anxiety levels. This shift in parental anxiety can result in a different parenting approach, where the second-born might not receive the same level of intense attention. The sibling position means that second-born children have a very different experience of their parents than the first born.

When a third child is born, particularly if they are a different gender from the first two, the dynamics can shift again. For example, if the first two children are boys and the third is a girl, this new dynamic can affect how each child is parented. The parents' responses and interactions with each child can vary significantly, influenced by their accumulated parenting experience and the different needs and characteristics of each child. The third child may benefit from more relaxed parenting but also might feel the need to carve out a unique identity within the family structure.

Additionally, the gender of the children can play a role in how they are parented and how they interact with each other. For instance, one or more member may have a soft spot for the new daughter, influencing the way they relate to andparent her compared to other siblings.. These variations in parenting styles and sibling interactions contribute to the development of distinct personalities and behaviors among siblings.

Societal Emotional Process: Bowen Theory Beyond Just Family Systems.

The societal emotional process extends the principles of Bowen Family Systems Theory beyond the family unit to larger social structures. It posits that societal stressors and emotional dynamics influence individual behavior and mental health, much like family dynamics do. Chronic societal anxiety can emerge from factors such as economic instability, political unrest, technological change, and social inequality. These stressors can amplify existing tensions within families and communities, affecting overall emotional functioning.

Societal emotional process can explain widespread emotional reactivity, where people and institutions react impulsively to perceived threats without thoughtful consideration. This reactivity can manifest in various ways, such as increased polarization, scapegoating, and the proliferation of simplistic solutions to complex problems. For instance, during times of economic hardship, there may be a tendency to blame certain groups for societal issues, leading to increased social division and conflict.